


How to Become a Love Interest

by Celebrate_the_irony



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Corny movie tropes au, Dadpool, M/M, Peter thinks Wade's insane, Wade thinks he's being seductive, also
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-06-02 00:36:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6543277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celebrate_the_irony/pseuds/Celebrate_the_irony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"'Get a not too crippling disability, nothing invokes chivalry like a cough at the right moment.' Excuse me? Baby, it concerns me that you thought this was good advice.”</p>
<p>Or Wade Wilson needs to win a bet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Meet Cute

**Author's Note:**

> Well this is a thing
> 
> The list isn't actually from Cosmo it's from Tvtropes. Has a fanfic ever been inspired by Tvtropes before? Who knows.

Wade doesn’t normally read Cosmo, he is a grown ass man and none of the tips in there have ever helped him before. However, Ellie is a huge fan of Teen Cosmo, and whatever Wade’s baby girl wants, Wade’s baby girl gets. Wade is not thrilled to bits in letting his twelve year old read Teen Cosmo as she is his baby and nowhere near a teen.

_[Four more months]_

**{You shut your dirty whore mouth}**

In fact today proved why Wade wasn’t overly chuffed at this predicament when Wade was required to visit the school this afternoon. Ellie was suspended for punching William Heisman, the captain of the debate team. Wade had just sat through half an hour of some old childless stuck up prick lecturing Wade on being a bad influence on the impressionable youth and living an abhorrent lifestyle that wasn’t suitable for the children. Wade gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was talking about the mercenary stuff and not the pansexual thing

**{Don’t know why he yelled at us, the fucker probably deserved it}**

Wade had to sit there and practically grovel to the old man.

“This is so unlike her, she never behaves like this at home, I don’t know where she got this idea from.”

Wade had a solid recollection of once telling Ellie that her safety was more important than any boy and if she had to slap a bitch she had Wade’s approval. Although, to her credit, she scoffed and said that she didn’t think that was necessary. Finally the old codger ran out of things to complain about and let Wade go. He left the office to find a very guilty looking Ellie sitting outside, he gave her a frosty glare that he inherited from his own mother, except he didn’t do the hard slap around the head that usually followed her glares. Ellie followed him meekly as he left the school and hailed a cab. They were in the cab for a few minutes in silence before Ellie caved.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do it, and it was a really dumb idea! Please don’t be mad at me!” Ellie blurted. Wade took a moment before turning to her.

_[So he didn’t deserve it]_

**{All boys deserve it deep down}**

“You didn’t mean to hit him so hard he dislocated his jaw? I don’t seem to recall you having the brute strength that’s required to accidentally dislocate a jaw, you struggle opening most jars.” Wade said icily. Ellie looked as though Wade had just told her that she was never to darken his door again.

“Ok well I did mean to do it, but I didn’t mean to do it that hard!” Ellie clarified.

“Why’d you do it, Eleanor?” Wade asked. Ellie grimaced at the full name.

“You’re not going to like this.” Ellie warned.

“I already don’t like this, I just got out of a meeting with someone who probably voted for all three Bushes.” Wade said.

“I punched him because I like him, like-like him.” Ellie admitted.

“So you dislocated his jaw?” Wade asked, he didn’t believe this for one second. Ellie unzipped her backpack and rummaged around before she pulled out this month’s Cosmo.

“Well they had this list in _Cosmo_ this month about how to become a love interest and it said to sucker punch him.” Ellie explained before showing Wade the article.

_[Oh dear lord]_

“ _Meet the Peeta to your Katniss, the Edward to your Bella, the Mr Darcy to your Elizabeth, with these movie inspired romance hints_.” Wade read aloud. He looked further into the article and Wade had a hard time believing he was the bad influence here. “ _Get a not too crippling disability, nothing invokes chivalry like a cough at the right moment_. Excuse me? Baby, it concerns me that you thought this was good advice.” Wade glanced at Ellie who was now as red as Wade most days.

“I was desperate! He didn’t know I existed!” She frantically tried to justify her actions, Wade tutted and shook his head at her.

“You didn’t think hello would suffice?” Wade asked incredulously before reading on. “ _If all else fails force yourself onto him. It'll give you something to laugh about afterwards!_ Baby, no, that’s illegal.”

“Well if you read the worst ones of course it sounds bad.” Ellie grumbled.

“Oh really? You thought _sucker punch him in the face or groin_ was one of the better ones?” Wade asked. Ellie didn’t have a response to that. “This list is bogus, I don’t know why I let you buy these things.” They were both silent for a while.

“Sooo are you not mad?” Ellie asked. Wade laughed.

“Oh, you are so grounded, young lady. I can’t believe you thought you got out of this. Do you want Al or Bob to babysit you while I’m gone? Keep in mind whoever you’ll pick I’ll pick the other.”

“Bob then.” Ellie said carefully.

“Bob it is.” Wade grinned.

“Damnit!” Ellie muttered under her breath.

“Also no more Cosmo.” Wade added. Ellie looked deeply offended.

“Dad! You can’t do that! How else am I going to learn about being a woman?” Ellie protested.

“You have Al.” Wade suggested, even Wade knew that was a shitty suggestion.

“Yeah her great life advice was don’t take cocaine because there will come a time where your pension will no longer cover it.” Ellie scoffed.     

“She’s not wrong, you shouldn’t take cocaine.” Wade said gravely. Ellie rolled her eyes at him, she then had this worrying look on her face, one that suggested Wade should open the door to the taxi and roll away never to return.

“Would you like to bet on it?” Ellie said with this sickening grin.

**{Only twelve and she can play us like a fiddle}**

“On what?” Wade said intrigued by this offer. Damnit, Wade, keep your cool.

“If I can prove that this article isn’t bogus, I can keep reading it.” Ellie explained. Wade didn’t particularly like where this was headed.

“And how do you propose that you prove it?”

“You try it.” Ellie said as though it were just that simple.

“On who exactly?” Wade asked sceptically.

“I don’t know, you’ll figure something out. I reckon you’re in with Bob if you ask nicely enough.” Ellie laughed.

_[Probably true actually]_

“Child, I swear,” Wade said deeply offended. “You are going to be the death of me.”

“You can’t die, Daddy.” Ellie said flippantly.

“Thank you for your concern, baby.” Wade rolled his eyes. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“Well then… I’ll be your personal slave as well as grounded.” Ellie suggested.

“Was that not already happening?” Wade asked. Ellie gave him a look that said that no, that was not already happening. “Ok, ok fine, give me the damn article I’ll see what I can do.” Wade took the magazine and ripped out the pages that this stupid thing was on. He folded them up and put them in his pocket.

“What’s for dinner, Dad?” Ellie asked after a pause.

“Shit.”

“Supreme or Pepperoni?”

* * *

Wade didn’t think about this bet for a while, with Ellie around the house all the time, Wade had to make sure she didn’t get up to something he would have gotten up to at her age. And she tried, he caught her on the fire escape the other day, except instead of just admitting that she was sneaking out she lied and said that there was a fire. That was a tough one to explain to the New York Fire Department.

It wasn’t until a couple of days later when Wade went for a walk to get away from his bored, slightly annoying teenager when he figured out his plan. He was carrying a pile of books he bought for Ellie, he was sick and tired of every five minutes Ellie dramatically announcing that she had nothing to do. He was walking down West 43rd with a pile of books that were taller than he was when he was very rudely ran into. Books went flying all over the pavement, Wade immediately bent down to pick them up. But to his surprise the guy who knocked them over was next to him helping them pick them up.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Are they all ok?” The brown haired man with glasses asked, the fucking gorgeous man with glasses asked.

**{Oh my god this is your meet-cute. Don’t blow it}**

_[Don't settle for a simple greeting; make your first meeting with him extremely convoluted or sappy to prove that only fate could have thrown you two together.]_

“You’re very nice for New York City.” Wade remarked, unfortunately Wade had forgotten he had his mask on and the man looked up from the books at Wade and he looked startled to say the least.

_[Very smooth]_

“I’m very nice in general.” The man said absent-mindedly still looking at the mask. Wade looked him up and down before noticing something. The man had his shirt half way unbuttoned and underneath there was a red jumpsuit, with a giant spider on it.

**{We’ve hit the motherlode people}**

“Spidey? Holy shit, have you lost weight?” Wade laughed. “I guess the panel adds ten pounds, hey?” Spiderman frowned at him before looking down at his unbuttoned shirt.

“Shit! No! You saw nothing.” Spiderman babbled while quickly buttoning his shirt back up.

“Did I now? Doesn’t look like nothing, in fact it looks like a very fine piece of ass.” Wade leered at him, Spiderman rolled his eyes.

“Do you ever turn off?”

“I’m always turned on around you, Spidey, can’t help it.” Wade grinned, Spiderman looked like he was about to break his no kill rule.

“Stop calling me that!”

“Then what should I call you? Babealicious? The S-Bomb? The Amazing Assman?” Wade suggested, he saw Spiderman weigh up his options. “You know killing me is only a temporary solution.”

“Peter.” Spiderman finally admitted. “Peter Parker.”

_[Should we know this name?]_

**{Yes as the name of our next contestant on _Win That Bet_!}**

“Wade Wilson.” Wade offered his hand out to Peter who reluctantly shook it.

“So what trouble are you getting yourself into with all these books?” Peter said as he stood up.

“Oh no these are for my daughter.” Wade corrected him, Peter gave him the strangest look before bursting out laughing.

“What? You? A parent?” Peter asked between gasps, he nearly fell back down on the ground from laughing too hard.

“Are you done?” Wade said to the crying mess in front of him.

“How the hell did you get a daughter?” Peter asked as he recovered.

“Well Peter, when a mummy and a daddy have known each other for about a week they make some very poor decisions leading to a pregnancy and later on death. And viola you have yourself a single dad and a kid.” Wade quickly explained.

“Wow, sex ed at your house must be a wild adventure.” Peter remarked.

“My baby girl won’t know about sex until she’s forty.” Wade glared at Peter as though he was personally going to come to his house and tell his child about the birds and bees himself.

“So um did she get your… you know.” Peter asked awkwardly.

“I don’t know, Peter, I’ve never tried to kill my daughter before.” Wade replied haughtily.

“No, I, that’s not what I meant.” Peter quickly backtracked.

**{That was absolutely what he meant.}**

“My insatiable good looks? No she got them all from her mother, although I like to think she has my eyes.” Wade said wistfully

“Is she also a pain in the ass?” Peter said dryly

“I wish I could say no.” Wade said sadly. “She got suspended.”

“Oh no, Susan how come?” Peter said in his best suburban housewife voice.

“Oh, Kelly, you know what they say, girls will be girls.” Wade replied in that same voice.

“Oh don’t you know.” Peter tutted in agreement.  

“Were you running somewhere important?” Wade asked suddenly dropping the accent, Peter looked at him confused for a moment.

“Oh, oh that, nah, I remembered where I was and I was like Daredevil’s probably got it covered.” Peter shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well I have a bored twelve year old at home, she’s probably burned the house down by now.” Wade said in a defeated sigh.

**{Please lord, let us have a home to come to}**

“Twelve? So you’ve been a parent the entire time I’ve known you?” Peter asked in disbelief.

“I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” Wade said in a valley accent.

“Who on god’s green earth left you with a child?”

“If it’s any consolation she has a therapist.” Wade patted Peter’s should with his free hand.

**{For once not because of us}**

_[A little because of us]_

“Well if she’s still alive at this point, I guess you’re more cut out for this than I thought.” Peter said begrudgingly.

“Thank you, your approval means a lot to me.” Wade said wiping a fake tear from his eye.

“Who’d thought you of all people had hidden depths?” Peter remarked.

“You don’t know me at all, Parker.” Wade shook his head. “Now I really must be going, parental duties and the like.” Wade started to leave.

“That is the weirdest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Peter said genuinely.

“And that’s saying something. See you round, hot stuff.” Wade said before making his way back home, he quickly glanced back behind him to see Peter looking very confused.

**{Always leave them wanting more** }

_[Is that on the list?]_

**{Number 21. Make sure you never come off as being overly eager or aggressive.}**

Well if this bet was going to be a thing, Wade had a few supplies to get. This was going to be fun.  


	2. Knight in Sour Armour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I had to do a blood sacrifice do you seriously think I’d do it in the living room?"
> 
> Or Wade starts to take this seriously... ish

“Dad, what am I looking at?” Ellie said deeply concerned as she walked into what she thought was her living room but was now what looked like a temple to the dark lord.  Wade was sitting cross legged on the floor looking very serene, honestly he felt serene he hadn’t felt this calm since his Zenpool days. Although he supposed sitting in candlelight and rose petals does that to you.

“Step 12. _Somehow bribe the gods into removing all competition, leaving you as their sole choice_.” Wade said calmly. He was sitting in the middle of a circle of rose petals with four candles laid out in a triangle in front of him.

“Did you mistake God for Satan again?” Ellie asked.

**{Again?}**

_[I think she’s thinking of her last nativity play]_

**{In our defence how were we supposed to know to take the virgin birth at face value?}**

“No, I could only find a wiccan love spell.” Wade explained. “Apparently most religions frown on this sort of thing, who knew?”

“So no blood sacrifice?” Ellie asked cautiously.

“If I had to do a blood sacrifice do you seriously think I’d do it in the living room? Come over here baby, come help Momma pray for love.” Wade patted the floor next to him. Ellie walked over and sat next to him copying his sitting position.

“So what do we do?”

“Shush, Sister Moonshine. Let the Goddess speak to you.” Wade said before placing his hands on his knees as he began to hum. Ellie gave him an odd look.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?” Ellie said sceptically.

“Baby, don’t upset the Goddess.” Wade chided. Ellie rolled her eyes before joining in Wade’s humming. Wade broke out of his humming and began to chant. If Ellie didn’t have her eyes close she would have seen Wade pull out his phone and read the chant off it. “I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love.  Repeat after me, Sister Moonshine.”

“You know most people say that before the thing they want someone to repeat. Just a helpful tip.” Ellie responded dryly. The family resemblance some days was uncanny.

“Sister Moonshine!” Wade scolded. Ellie sighed.

“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love.”

“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love, so I can find my soulmate.” Wade continued.

“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love, so I can find my soulmate.” Ellie said in a way that suggested she did not want to find her soulmate and would much rather find a way out of this situation. Wade ignored the attitude she was giving him.

“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love so I can overcome my loneliness.”

“Ohh Dad, I didn’t know you felt that way you should have said something.” Ellie said with genuine care in her voice.

“Don’t sass me, child.” Wade snapped.

“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love so I can overcome my loneliness.” Ellie sighed.

“Such is my will.” Wade finished before putting his phone in his pocket.

“Such is my will.” Ellie repeated. Wade reached beside him for the mug sitting next to him, he downed half before shoving it in Ellie’s face.

“Drink up, Sister.” Wade said before blowing the candles out, unfortunately before he finished blowing them all out Ellie spat the drunk all over them.

“What was that?” Ellie spluttered out.

“The spell called for mint tea, but we didn’t have any tea so I used coffee and tic tacs.” Wade explained.

_[Gold star witch behaviour right there]_

“And I’m the one upsetting the goddess?” Ellie asked as she stood up to turn the lights on.

“She’ll understand we did the best with what we had.” Wade said in his best parent-giving-a-life-lesson voice, she shook her head at him.

“So was there a reason for all that?” Ellie asked. “I’d like to know if there was a reason why I just angered the gods.”

“I think I found someone to win the bet with.” Wade announced. Ellie’s eyes widened.

“Who?! Who is it?” Ellie bounced back over to Wade and sat back down.

“My new friend, Peter Parker, a.k.a. our old friendly neighbourhood Spiderman.” Wade grinned, Ellie went from hundred back down to zero as she groaned and fell on her back.

“Ugh, that’ll never happen Dad, I knew you weren’t going to take this seriously. You are deliberately trying to sabotage me.” Ellie whined.

_[Why did we waste money on that paternity test when we could have just waited a few years for her mouth to start running?]_

“Thanks for that vote of confidence, Baby, real comforting.” Wade rolled his eyes at her.

“But Dad! You were supposed to pick the woman downstairs, or that Dad that keeps eyeballing you at the kiss ‘n’ drop, or even the landlord. Literally anyone more achievable than Spiderman.” Ellie said while using a lot of hand gestures to truly make her point.

“Oh, I see how it is. You wanted me to pick the easy option so your punishment would be over quicker, huh?” Wade laid down on his stomach next to Ellie. “Well tough shit, little lady. I’m going to seduce Spiderman and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Wade rolled his mask up specifically to stick his tongue out at her.

“Oh hell no, we’re going to brainstorm ideas, Dad. This is my bet and you are not messing it up for me.” Ellie said determined, she stood up and grabbed a pen and paper out of her school bag. “Call in pizza, Dad. It’s going to be a long night.”

“First of all, I already bought stuff for dinner, nice try. Secondly, you are going to bed at a reasonable hour, I do not want to deal with a grumpier version of you tomorrow.” Wade said sitting up.

_[Gotta stay one step ahead]_

**{One step ahead of the bread line, one swing ahead of the sword}**

_[It’s one jump idiot, you call yourself a Disney fan]_

**{No I call myself a parent who sat through too many Disney films}**

“Fine. We’re still doing this though, you’re not making me look like a fool out there.” Ellie said waving her pen at him. Wade put his hands up to surrender.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Baby.”

Despite how poorly her first try at this seduction thing went, Ellie was surprisingly good at this seduction thing. Wade didn’t particularly like this, his over protective dad mode was kicking in. However, he was glad she inherited her mother’s smooth moves and not his, she might have a shot in this world now.

* * *

It wasn’t until the night after Wade had a chance to test out idea one, _conceal your gender and kick some serious ass right in front of him. And at just the right moment, when he hands out for a manly handshake and ask for your name, comply and reveal your face. Works all the time, no exceptions._ Wade had serious doubts about this one, like real serious. Ellie suggested instead of dressing as a girl, he wear a lot of black cloth, it was gender-concealing, vaguely feminine, and stylish too! Ellie spent most of the afternoon figuring out how to dress Wade in a way that a) would disguise him and b) not come off in the middle of battle. Wade, meanwhile, stood in his living room watching Frasier reruns while Ellie worked her magic, Wade was just amazed that they had all that cloth lying around.

So Wade, dressed in his surprisingly comfortable disguise, spent most of the night casually stalking Spiderman. Spidey’s patrol patterns were thankfully very predictable after all these years, right, left, stay on 23rd for far longer than necessary, turn right on Fifth, end up back where we started, turn left, you get the idea. It was two in the morning before any noteworthy villains popped up, a shabby looking gang, like real shabby no matching bandanas or anything, followed this girl down a dark alley. Wade could see Spiderman watching from the roof across from him, he looked like a cat about to pounce on a mouse, he had the weird butt wiggle and everything. So, the girl started screaming and before Spiderman jumped, Wade was there. He jumped from the roof on top of one of the gang members head.

**{Whoops, he’s dead}**

He stepped off the hopefully just unconscious man, before signalling to the girl to get out of here and going in for generic gang member two. A few swift punches to the face and chest before a final kick in the nuts brought him pummelling down on the ground. Gang member number three thought of trying something and jumped onto Wade’s back and started to strangle him, oh hell no. Wade threw him off, wrestler body slam style, onto the cold hard concrete, knocked him out like a light. The fourth and final gang member decided he was going to get smart and started to shoot Wade.

_[He better not stain this cloth]_

**{Ellie will be pissed when we get home}**

Wade sighed before walking straight through the bullets and twisting the gun out of the guy’s hand and giving him a strong ooh that’s gotta hurt uppercut. The four guys were on the ground either unconscious or writhing in pain. Wade looked proudly at his efforts before turning around to see Spiderman staring at him in awe, well hopefully it was awe.

“That was awesome.” Spiderman admired before tying the bad guys up. Wade made an aww shucks gesture with his hand. “No seriously, top work. Probably couldn’t have done better myself.” Wade had never been genuinely complimented by Spiderman before, he didn’t know how to react. He just nodded. “I’m your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman.” Spiderman held out his hand. This boy was the sweetest honestly. Wade took his hood down before taking the offered hand.

“I’m your annoying neighbourhood Deadpool.” Wade grinned. Spiderman dropped his hand and groaned.

“Wade? What the hell? Why are you dressed like that?” Spiderman yelled, very confused.

**{Oh shit we didn’t think this through}**

_[Do we ever?]_

“… I was cold.” Wade finally admitted. “Not a lot of heat in spandex.”

“But why the vigilante act?” Spiderman had a really shit impression of Wade apparently.

“The vigilante act?” Wade asked innocently.

**{He’s onto us}**

“You kill people for money, Wade, excuse me for thinking you have no moral centre.” Spiderman responded, mistaking Wade for being offended.

“I kill bad people for money, for the most part, like seven in ten.” Wade rambled off.

_[What was our point again?]_

“Right, with that track record it’s a wonder why you’re not up there in the public’s heart with Captain America and Iron Man, huh?” Spiderman said dryly.

 “So, you think I’m awesome, huh?” Wade said cockily after a pause.

_[We’re getting full of ourselves]_

**{Look we don’t get complimented often, we’ve earned it}**

Spidey didn’t seem to agree with the boxes as he sighed, probably rolled his eyes too, Wade couldn’t see.

“Were you really cold? Or were you just looking for compliments?” Spiderman asked.

**{He knows us so well}**

“Actually I was hoping to come across Papa Wolve, I wanted to impress him with my kickass skills and maybe just maybe he’ll realise I’m the one for him.” Wade lied through his teeth.

_[He’s not going to buy that]_

“How are you a functioning human being?” Spiderman asked. Wade could only shrug, at least he bought it. “Well, I’ve got to get back at it. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m impressed Wade, you did well.” Spiderman then patted Wade on the back before leaving an awestruck Wade. It was like he was blessed by the Pope himself, but like a Pope that Wade wanted to bone.  

Wade walked home with a bounce in his step, which was fine until he bounced through the door waking Ellie up. However, his good mood made him blind to the hairbrush narrowly missing his head as he floated into bed. This might actually work.


	3. Tomato Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Ohh baby tell me about the photoautotrophs again]
> 
> or the plot thickens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A plot you say? How unexpected!
> 
> Idk I just got a ten ton of ideas for this all of a sudden, it'll still have the bet going it's just going to develop beyond that as well idk.

Wade didn’t see the incredibly attractive Spiderman for a week after that, this was intentional. Ellie’s next idea was for Wade was for Wade to hit the books and add a few points to the ol’ IQ. She said this would fulfil both _get a degree in chemistry_ and _develop a love for books and other intellectual pursuits._ However she wasn’t the one reading Photosynthesis for Dummies at 3 am on a Sunday night.

**{Because I know the first thing I look for in a man in an in-depth knowledge of plants and plant based life}**

_[Ohh baby tell me about the photoautotrophs again]_

How Wade hasn’t already seduced Spiderman was beyond him, with this level of dedication. He had already memorised the laws of motion, objects stay still, object moves if something pushes it, how hard could it be to impress Spidey?

Wade has never considered himself stupid, he’s considered himself a lot of things, but stupid was never one of them. However, after reading almost all of Ellie’s textbooks, he’s starting to change that opinion of himself. Honest to god, his brain physically hurts from all this reading, and Ellie was back at school and Wade could only ask Bob for help on this. Bob’s wisdom when asked was repeating that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell over and over again.

Eventually Wade had to throw the book down and say fuck it this is the smartest I’ll ever be. Thanks to years of practice he was able to find Spiderman on a rooftop, he must have been bored because he was using his web to draw something on the ground. Wade snuck behind him and examined what it was, it was a few stick figures and a rectangle, huh.

“You know I’d stick with your day job if I were you.”  Wade remarked. Spiderman didn’t even look up.

“You could do better?” Spiderman asked before adding a few lines around the building.

“Are atoms made up of subatomic particles?” Wade replied, Spiderman was silent for a moment.

**{He’s already wowed, that didn’t take much}**

“Alright then, give it a whirl, Einstein.” Spiderman held out his hand.

**{That’s what she said}**

_[Was that the best you could come up with?]_

“What kind of a girl do you take me for?” Wade replied shocked in a conservative southern accent, before taking Spiderman’s hand. Wade pictured this being a more touching moment but he was holding Spiderman’s hand as though his own hand was a c-clamp. As much as he’d like to, he can’t beat Spiderman’s pathetic ass if he interlaces their fingers. 

“Just a girl who can’t say no apparently.” Peter replied. Wade pressed down on the switch and started drawing a far superior small human next to Spiderman’s shitty diagram.

“I’m in a terrible fix!” Wade sang before asking. “So who is this supposed to be?”

“Well Wade, that is a gang member.” Spiderman explained as though he was explaining it to a child, Wade felt like he should resent that but he was holding Spiderman’s hand and therefore he didn’t care.

“So like leather jacket and a quiff?” Wade said before adding a little quiff to the tiny person. “Any girls in this gang? Are we equal opportunity?”

“Oh come on you’re not that good,” Spiderman protested. Wade then drew another tiny person with the same look but with a cleavage line. Spiderman laughed at his crude drawing.

_[Rude]_

“That statement was about as true as a nucleus of a prokartite.” Wade casually dropped another knowledge bomb.

“It’s a prokaryote.” Spiderman gently corrected.

_[Foiled already.]_

**{All that reading for NOTHING}**

“How would you know?” Wade scoffed as he finished drawing the gang.

“I don’t know, I think it might have something to do with my doctorate in biochemistry but who knows?” Spiderman shrugged, Wade could practically see the smirk underneath the mask.

_[That plan was doomed from the start wasn’t it?]_

“Well doctor, you might know a thing or two about biochemistry but what in the hell is that wonky rectangle meant to be?” Wade quickly changed subjects to make him seem less like a fool.

**{No change in subject is big enough to achieve that}**

“It’s my apartment block.” Spiderman said, Wade nodded and began drawing his much better building.

“Do I get the story behind this drawing?” Wade asked cautiously. Spiderman shrugged.

“Kingpin figured out where I lived. One of his mooks broke in the other night.” Spiderman said as though it wasn’t the big deal that it clearly was. Wade dropped Spiderman’s hand out of shock.

“You need to move the fuck outta there, man. You need to go in hiding, fuck, why are we even talking? We’re wasting time, I hear Tijuana is great this time of year.” Wade babbled as he started to walk away, fully expecting Spiderman to follow.

“Um, why would I? I’m Spiderman, I’ve beat him before, I can do it again.” Spiderman said flippantly, Wade hoped Spiderman detected the very heavy eye roll in his direction before walking back to him.

“Right, you know he’s in charge of the Assassin’s Guild now, and that he’s ruined Daredevil’s life like four times.” Wade babbled, Spiderman put his hand on Wade’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him down.

_[It’s working]_

“Wade, trust me I’ll be fine. He knows not to fuck with me.” Spiderman said with an uncharacteristic intensity that Wade’s never seen before.

**{It’s kinda hot}**

_[Really hot actually]_

**{One way ticket to Bonerville anyone?}**

_[All aboard!]_

“Can’t this just be wank bank?” Wade muttered to himself.

**{You’d like that wouldn’t you?}**

“What do you mean by wank bank?’ Spiderman asked confused. Goddamnit.

“Oh no I said um we’ve got to thank thank the gods because he knows not to fuck with you.” Wade quickly corrected Spiderman while positioning himself so it wouldn’t be totally obvious that he’s at half-mast right now.

_[Smooth]_

“Which in mobster speak means he going to send someone else to fuck with you. For a superhero you don’t know shit about how villains work, huh?” Wade said amazed at the naivety of this boy.

“I can handle an assassin or two, big deal.” Spiderman scoffed. 

**{Bless his cotton socks}**

“Really? Because I very nearly died at the hands of one of his assassins. Now let’s review, me, a man with a mutant healing ability which makes me basically immortal, had one of his assassins attend my funeral.” Wade’s exaggerating and sort of lying but anything to get the point into Spidey’s thick skull. “This picture that you seem to think is how this is going to go? It’s bullshit, you’re going to go through hell if you don’t do something.” Wade was basically pleading at this point. Spiderman searched Wade’s face for a moment, Wade wasn’t sure for what but Spiderman seem satisfied with what he found.

“Okay.” Spiderman finally said.

“Okay?” Wade was confused.

“You’re right, it’s not safe. What should I do?” Spiderman asked genuinely.

**{He’s coming to us for advice?}**

_[He must be desperate]_

“Well first off, you are not going back.” Wade said letting his overprotective parent side shine through.

_[That’s a little strange to say about the man you want to get jiggy with]_

**{Jiggy?}**

“So where would I go?”

“If I were you I’d go hotel hopping or stay with someone who I don’t care too much about.” Wade said.

“So with you then?” Spiderman laughed. Wade probably should be offended but the prospect of Peter Parker living at his house is just possibly maybe the best thing to ever happen to him.

_[Except for Ellie of course]_

**{Yes, I see your point, but I raise you one spectacled Peter Parker in-}**

_[Say no more]_

“Sure,” Wade replied almost instantly. Spiderman looked taken aback by that.

“Are you sure? I mean, what about your kid?”

“Do you honestly think that a mercenary would have a child without having several safety precautions in place? There’s a reason she’s made it to twelve and it’s called Papapool kicks serious fucking ass to protect his baby girl.” Wade bragged, he was allowed to be proud of having an alive child, what of it? Spiderman took a moment to consider this offer.

“You know what, fuck it, I’ll live with you. I’ve lived with a lot worse.” Spiderman finally said.

_[Is this on the list?]_

**{Be a Doom Magnet, and find a man who is equally one himself. You'll bond together for safety alone, even if you don't consider him your truest love.}**

_[Well, I’ll be damned]_

“Ohhh I doubt it.” Wade chuckled sinisterly. He didn’t mean it to come out that way, it just happened. He looked over at Spiderman who was clearly regretting some life choices.

Wade made the twenty minute trip including subway ride back to his apartment with Spiderman trailing behind him, Wade liked to think this made Spiderman appreciate the effort he puts into stalking him. Although, in actuality Spiderman was probably just judging Wade’s shitty Port Morris apartment building, the elevator had broken a while ago and not in a cutesy Big Bang Theory way but in a no one has looked at this apartment building in thirty years way. The wallpaper was peeling off, the stairs looked like it physically hurt them to be stepped on, and Wade’s door had a specific way of being unlocked. Special as in the lock was broken and you had to hold the key at a specific angle while pressing against the door before the door would even consider unlocking.  Although tonight the door just wouldn’t budge and, as Wade was basically lying on the door, it finally decided to open and Wade fell smack bang on the floor. From his deathbed on the floor he could hear Spiderman giggle.

**{If he wasn’t so gosh darn cute we’d be annoyed right now}**

He managed to pry himself off the floor and grab a few blankets and pillows from the linen cupboard.

_[The linen cupboard, our one constant reminder that we’re a grown ass adult]_

He threw them on the couch and wished Spidey a good night, but not before catching a glance of him taking his suit off. Woo boy. What have we gotten ourselves into.

* * *

“Dad!” Wade was woken up the next morning at what felt like an ungodly hour by his daughter jumping on top of him and poking him in the chest.

**{Boy I just love being a parent}**

“What is it, my precious angel?” Wade groaned and rubbed his chest, Ellie had more upper body strength then he remembered.

“There’s a naked man in the living room!” Ellie had this genuine look of fright on her face, all Wade heard however was naked. He threw Ellie off him onto the other side of the bed and raced to the living room.

“Ellie, he’s not naked, he’s just shirtless.” Wade sighed sadly before lumbering back to bed. Ellie stopped him, clearly not calmed by this.

“Who is he? Why is he here?”

“Oh that’s just Spiderman, he’s coming to stay with us for a while. Don’t worry about it, sweetie.” Wade said dismissively.

_[Bed. Bed. Bed. Bed]_

“And you didn’t think to consult me?” Ellie asked insulted. Oh child, this is going on the list of best things Ellie has ever said to Wade.

**{It’s right up there with “Dad I’m seven now, don’t you think I’m a little old for piggybacks?”}**

“No I didn’t, but you know what? If I’m having trouble choosing between a tootsie roll and a reece’s cup I’ll consult you right away.” Wade said through stifled giggles. Consult her, honestly, kids today.

“Dad!” Ellie whined. Wade glanced over at the clock on the wall. 7:30, ohhh shit, Ellie should be brushing her teeth right now.

“Young lady! Why are you not getting ready for school?” Wade bellowed.

“The naked man kind of distracted me, Dad.” Ellie replied snarkily. This is not a phrase that needs to be coming out of his child’s mouth this early in the morning, or ever.

“You’re going to be late, child! Move it!” Wade gently pushed Ellie towards her room. Mornings were always so stressful, dear god. He went over to Ellie’s school bag that for some reason Ellie thought it a good idea to put it on the coffee table.

_[First of all, why?]_

He rummaged through it for a lunch box when he came across a certain form Ellie had neglected to tell him about.

“Eleanor Carmelita Camacho! Lucy, you got some explaining to do!” Wade yelled while waving a piece of paper, it honestly has come to the point where if his life was TV show it’d be a godawful situational comedy from the 90’s that Wade would refuse to watch on principle.

“Good morning to you too.” The couch grumbled at Wade, it Wade a moment to process that there was a human being on that couch, specifically a shirtless Peter Parker was on his couch. If only Wade had the time to fully appreciate this gift from God.

“Morning Petey!” Wade said cheerily to him, before grabbing the lunch box and moving into the kitchen. “Eleanor!” Wade then yelled again.

“Is every morning such a thrill in this house?” Peter asked, sitting up, the blanket slipping off him revealing a very ripped Peter.

**{Why I do believe I have come down with the case of the vapors}**

“No, usually we get up on time in this house.” Wade replied snidely, throwing an apple and a juice box in the lunch box.

_[Oh god we don’t have anything for lunch]_

**{Looks like she’s having Hamilton for lunch today}**

Wade went to go look for his wallet, just as he found it, Ellie decided to grace him with her presence.

“Yes Daddy?” She asked battering her eyelashes. “Might I say you look wonderful today, have you been working out?”

**{Oh she knows}**

 “You know I have actually, I’ve been working out how you managed to fail your book report when you told me you have been working on it all week. Isn’t that interesting?” Wade said casually as he added the bill into her lunch box and put it in her bag.

“Oh that? Um well funny story, turns out I read the wrong book, it was too short. So all that work I did? Didn’t count.” Ellie said, Wade knelt down to her level and looked her in the eye.

“Are you lying to me right now?”

“No, my book was a hundred and eighty pages, it was supposed to be two hundred.” Ellie said sadly.

“What was your book, baby?” Wade said going from angry to comforting in the span of five seconds.

_[Now that’s what I call Parenting]_

“Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” Ellie said. “She said pick a book you’re interested in and we watched the movie together so I thought I’d read the book and I really liked it. But I didn’t see the page count requirement until I handed in my report.”

“So you failed on a technicality?” Wade asked. Ellie nodded. “Well that sucks, keep getting ready, I’ll sign the form.” Ellie ran off as Wade stood up. He walked back to the kitchen counter that he left the form on.

“This is not the home life I expected from you.” Peter said from where he was observing this mess of a morning from the couch.

“Really? Were you expecting a Precious situation?” Wade asked.

_[We do wear enough leggings to be considered Mo’nique]_

“No, it’s just she’s very well-adjusted for a daughter of a mercenary that’s all.” Peter shrugged.

“Thank you, I think.” Wade said as he managed to find a pen in his disaster zone of an apartment and sign the damn thing. He looked back at the clock. “Ellie! I need you to have left my house five minutes ago!”

_[Breakfast]_

“Shit.” Wade looked around his kitchen, oh well turns out Ellie’s eating two apples today. He grabbed yet another apple and put the form in her bag.  Ellie came out of the bathroom and over to Wade to grab her bag. “Baby, come here.” Wade licked his thumb and rubbed the toothpaste off her cheek.

“Dad!” Ellie said before wiping the spit off her cheek with her sleeve. She then kissed Wade on the cheek as she took her bags. “Bye Dad, bye Spiderman. Love ya!” She then ran out the door.  Wade walked over to his couch and collapsed next to Peter.

“Did your daughter just say she loved me?” Peter asked but

“Don’t get too excited, her only action figures are of Hawkeye. Your love is meaningless.” Wade said dismissively.

“Who are your action figures?” Peter asked with a smile.

**{Is… is this a flirt?}**

_[I don’t know I don’t know]_

**{Evasive manoeuvres!}**

“Me? I don’t have any action figures at the moment.” Wade said casually ignoring his massive Spiderman collection.

“So who’s the Spiderman toothbrush for?” Peter smirked, oh no.

“You went into my bathroom uninvited? I should kick you to the curb.” Wade said with a mock offense. “So what does Peter Parker do all day?”

“Whatever Peter Parker, CEO of Parker Industries, wants to do.” Peter said casually.

_[CEO by day. Superhero by night]_

“Oh my god, you’re Batman.” This explains everything.

“Who?” Peter frowned at him.

“Let me guess, you’re also a philanthropist and a mysterious playboy working to keep Goth- I mean New York’s street’s safe.” Wade grinned.

“Well yeah.” Peter looked very dazed and confused right now.

_[Where’s his homoerotic sidekick that’s what I want to know]_

**{Oh…. That’s us}**

“So wait how old are you? Because you always sounded about sixteen at most.” Wade asked. He could see Peter roll his eyes at that.

“I’m thirty six.” Peter shrugged, Wade had to stop his eyes popping out of his head.

“Jesus, that’s old.”

“Don’t tell me I’m older than you.” Peter said.

“I’m thirty eight so no you are not older than me, I win.” Wade said before sticking his tongue out at Peter.

“You are younger than you look.” Peter said frankly.

“Look I know I look like something you might find in a canopic jar but that doesn’t mean I’m as old as one.” Wade snapped back, young people today.

“So what does Wade Wilson do all day?” Peter asked.

“Wade Wilson spends the day recovering from the morning before he can do it all over again in the evening. On a good day he might even get a job.” Wade sighed wistfully.

**{Ahhh to get a job}**

_[A delusion of grandeur if ever I saw one]_

“Does Wade Wilson think about getting breakfast in all this?” Peter asked as though he wasn’t just listening to what Wade had said.

“Wade Wilson would much rather go to bed.” Wade started to say before being hit with the puppy eyes. Peter Parker was genuinely giving him puppy dog eyes, this was unbelievable. “Ugh fine I think we have pancake mix in the cupboard hold on. God you’d think a grown ass man who can save the entire goddamn city could make himself some fucking breakfast.” Wade grumbled mostly to himself as he got up.

“You are a true hero.” Peter said as he turned on the tv, it sounded genuine but Wade knew it was a lie.

_[This got very domestic very quickly]_

“And that’s a bad thing?” Wade said to White one he was out of Peter’s earshot.

_[I’m just saying, this isn’t on the list]_

“Fuck the list, I had to learn science for that fucking list.” Wade pointed out.

_[What about your bet?]_

“Who said the bet was over?” Wade asked with a smirk. “The bet’s only just begun.”

_[Oh no]_

**{Ohh yess}**

_ [Oh no] _


	4. Naked First Impression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?” Wade asked but closed his eyes anyway.
> 
> Or Wade and Peter experience bad rom com situation no. 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there was going to be another bit in this chapter but this already took forever to write so I'll chuck it in the next one.

Wade went straight back to bed after breakfast, sure he liked spending time with Spidey, but he loved his sleep more. In fact after spending all night dragging strange men home with him, he loved his sleep now more than ever. His sleep was interrupted however by Peter’s assistant dropping off some emergency supplies. While Wade was truly happy for Peter, getting his glasses back and all, that wasn’t enough to recover from the loss of Wade’s precious beauty sleep.

**{Lord knows you need it}**

The worst of it was it was too late now to go back to sleep, it was 10:30. As much as it hurt, he needed to be a responsible adult and get out of bed. He took off his pyjama shirt that was older than Ellie and his sweatpants with several holes in them and chucked them in the laundry basket before making his way to the shower. He opened to door to the bathroom and walked in locking it behind him. As he turned around, a very much naked Peter Parker who had a towel over his head to dry his hair walked straight into him. Both of them screamed on impact, Wade immediately took the towel off of Peter’s head to hide his thunder while Peter panicked and used the bathmat.

_[We have been blessed on this fine day]_

“What are you doing? Why are you naked?” Peter yelled at him from under the bath mat.

“I live here!” Wade yelled back.

“That does not justify you being naked!” Peter snapped at him.

“Oh, I’m sorry should I not shower while you’re here? I’ll make a more conscious effort to avoid bathing, I didn’t know it offended your sensibilities, is it a spider thing?” Wade ranted back. Peter was a very bright red at this point, what emotion that was causing him to turn that colour Wade didn’t know but he hoped it was lust.

“Why didn’t you knock?” Peter spluttered out, witty as ever.

“The door was unlocked, what’d you expect to happen?”

“You call that thing a lock? If I used it I would have been stuck in here for days! I just didn’t have the constitution for 127 Hours situation, Wade.” Peter sniped back

**{There’s that wit}**

“Even Ellie can unlock this door, Dr Parker.” Wade said scathingly as he stood up and carefully tied the towel around his waist. He then went over to the door and jiggled the knob while twisting the latch. “It’s not rocket science, Doctor, you just have to have some patience and-“ Wade suddenly went quiet as the knob came off in his hand. Peter looked at the knob in Wade’s hand before putting his head in his hands.

Wade felt a strong sense of panic before he realised that God himself had placed him in a room naked with a naked Peter Parker with no way out. Even if Peter killed him he would die a happy death.

Unexpectedly Peter let out a laugh, it wasn’t a quiet one either, it was a “couldn’t stop it if I tried” laugh.

_[We should still be prepared to run, just in case]_

“Close your eyes I’m taking your towel.” Peter said in an affectionate “oh you” tone as he stood up while holding the bath mat around his waist.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?” Wade asked but closed his eyes anyway.

“You wish.” Peter said as he seamlessly transitioned Wade from towel to bath mat, “Hold on to the bath mat, I ain’t seeing Lil Wade today.” Peter took the knob out of Wade’s hand as Wade moved them down to the bath mat.

{He’s just setting himself up for these at this point}

“But he wants-“

“You can open your eyes now.” Peter interrupted that particular train of thought. Wade looked down to see Peter crouched next to him inspecting the door handle with the towel tied firmly around his waist.

“How bad does it look, Doctor?” Wade said dramatically.

“Well I’ll say this, it’d look a lot better if your naked crotch wasn’t next to my face.” Peter said sombrely.

“Shh you’ll hurt its feelings,” Wade said as he put a finger to Peter’s lips, well he tried to, Peter didn’t even look away from the lock as smacked Wade’s hand out the way before it made impact.

“Do you have tweezers in here?” Peter asked, Wade squatted down to Peter’s level.

“Look into my bald eyes and ask me that again.” Wade replied.

“Well excuse me for not knowing you were hairless, by the second time seeing you without your suit I should have gotten those finer details down pat.” Peter said, the sarcasm radiating off him, as he searched the room for something pointy.

“Insincere apology accepted.” Wade said, not that Peter was listening, he was now going through Wade’s bathroom cabinet.

“How come the only thing you have in here is a Spiderman Crossword Puzzlebook?” Peter asked genuinely concerned.

“Oh! Speaking of, what’s the official name of your web thingy?” Wade said seriously, he had been stuck in that one for a solid week.

“Web shooters?” Peter frowned at him.

_[How did we not get that?]_

“Oh, well now I just look like an idiot.” Wade said as he sat on the floor defeated.

“Wade you looked like an idiot when you only had a crossword puzzle in your bathroom.” Peter said, Wade could only nod in agreement. Peter gave up on his search for anything useful and sat down next to Wade “So how are we getting out?”

“Me and Bob have been practising our telepathy recently. We’re still fine tuning the details but I think it could work.” Wade suggested, the look Peter gave him told him this wasn’t an option.

_[Still doing it anyway, we need the practice]_

**{Mork calling Orson, come in Orson}**

“In theory, I should be able to bash the door down, but then we wouldn’t have a bathroom door and, even worse, my bath mat will fall off.” Wade thought aloud.

“Perish the thought.” Peter said dryly.

“Well I don’t have any better ideas and, to be honest with you, I’m tempted to do what I came in here for.” Wade said as he went to stand up, Peter quickly grabbed his arm and dragged him back down.

“Don’t you even think about it.” Peter snapped at him.

“Can’t handle my thunder eh?” Wade nudged Peter with his elbow.

“Thor himself would look at the thunder I have seen today and say that is too much.” Peter replied.

“My unsheathed thunder and Thor? In the same room together? Have you been reading my dream journals?” Wade said. Peter laughed at that. 

“I’ve never been able to tell with you, is it all one big joke or are you actually…” Peter trailed off.

**{“Never been able to tell,” rude}**

“I’m especially,” Wade clarified.

“Yeah, me too.” Peter agreed.

“You too what?” Wade said obliviously.

“I’m bi too.” Peter said, his voice broke as he said it as though he was saying it for the first time.

**{But that would mean… noo}**

“My goodness was that nerves I detect? Is Dr Peter Piper Parker closeted?” Wade said in a mock scandalised tone.

“Possibly,” Peter admitted. “But not because I haven’t tried, people just assume I guess.” Peter shrugged, it clearly bothered him but Wade didn’t particularly want to press the issue.

“Do you wanna know how Ellie found out?” Wade asked. Peter nodded. “So this was way back when she was six and she had just moved in. And I was so nervous and stressed out because she had never lived with me before, and I was terrified I was going to screw her up. So I was constantly around her like would not leave her alone, which she loved because she was six. But then a friend of ours came over and saw that I was just a wreck and said to me you need to get laid and I said but Ellie. And she was like I’ll watch her you go out and have a good time. So the next night he came over to babysit and I went out, and I got blindingly drunk which believe me I didn’t think could happen. And through this drunk haze I miraculously managed to pull a guy, and I also may have forgotten that I had a six year old at my house and a 70 year old blind woman snoring on my couch. I bring him home and we’re getting into it and like halfway through I hear a knock on the door and it’s Ellie and she had a nightmare and she walked in on me giving her another one.”

“Oh my god.” Peter said through his laughter.

“It wasn’t funny! It was devastating for both of us, I didn’t get to finish and she saw me in a position no girl should see her father in. I spent the next two days crying in a ball, I was convinced I ruined everything.” Wade said.

“What happened with Ellie?” Peter asked.

“She crawled into my bed of shame and told me she still loved me and it was okay if I brought home a new daddy instead of a mummy. And then she gave me a picture she drew of a witch turning another witch into a bee, I still have it somewhere.” Wade reminisced his voice full of affection. Wade still wonders to this day what the hell that picture meant. 

“I have a similar story actually, but with my Aunt, it’s not as cute.” Peter said.

“Yeah, that sucks man, my Dad wasn’t on board with it either.” Wade said comfortingly, Peter suddenly went a bright red.

“Oh no, she wasn’t like that, it’s just there was only me to walk in on.” Peter quickly clarified.

“I can’t believe I felt sorry for you.” Wade scoffed.

“You should, I couldn’t face her for weeks after that. I broke her.” Peter said looking completely traumatized.

“Don’t you compare your teenage jerking off to my father daughter moment!”

“Hey I was twenty three!” Peter said in his defence.

“This is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard.”

“More pathetic than two fully grown men getting stuck in a bathroom?”

“Absolutely.” Wade said, although not as pathetic as Wade right now, he could not believe this was the same suave Spiderman he’s known all these years. The same Spiderman that Wade thought was so much better than he was and always felt weird talking to because he’s goddamn Spiderman and Wade’s an insignificant shit stain on the underwear of humanity. This was unbelievable.

At that moment, Wade heard his front door open.

“Mr Wilson? Are you ok? I had this sudden sinking feeling that you were in trouble?” Bob’s distinctly annoying yet somewhat endearing voice yelled through his apartment.

**{IT WORKED}**

_[One step closer to ruling the world]_

“In here, Bob!” Wade yelled back. He could hear Bob’s barrelling footsteps as he raced over to the bathroom door. He then heard a thud.

“It appears to be locked, Mr. Wilson.” Bob said pointing out the obvious in typical Bob fashion, Wade sighed as he stood up out of the splash zone, Peter followed suit.

“That would be the trouble, Bob.” Wade pointed out.

“Have you tried unlocking it?” Bob helpfully suggested.

_[Excuse me while I find a nice piece of wall to bang our head against]_

“Wow, why didn’t I think of that? Thanks Bob, you’re a lifesaver.” Wade said in full sarcasm mode.

“No problem, Mr. Wilson!” Bob said cheerily.

**{Will he get it? Find out next week on Bob’s a Fucking Idiot Why am I Still Friends with Him?}**

“Uh, Mr. Wilson?” Bob asked after a few minutes.

“Yes, Bob?” Wade replied, he could see Peter snickering out of the corner of his eye.

“You’re not unlocking the door.”

“No, Bob.” Wade said, this sounds promising.

“Why don’t you?”

“What do you think, Bob?”

“You haven’t decapitated yourself in the shower again, Mr Wilson?” Bob tutted. Wade couldn’t believe this.

“Again?” Peter whispered to Wade.

“It’s a long story.” Wade whispered back to Peter.

“I don’t really want to reattach your head again, Mr Wilson, it was pretty gross last time.” Bob admitted.

“My head is still firmly attached, Bob.”

“Oh thank god.” Bob sighed a breath of relief. There was silence for a few minutes.

“Bob?”

“Yes?”

“I’m still stuck in the bathroom.”

“Oh! Right.” Bob said, suddenly gunshots went off and Peter leaped on top of Wade and brought him crashing to the floor. The door swung open revealing a proud Bob.

“Jesus fucking Christ Bob!” A very confused Wade yelled from underneath a naked Peter.

“Oh I see you have company.” Bob said with a smirk.

“Peter what the hell?”

“I was protecting you from the bullets.” Peter explained.

“Ah yes the ten minutes it would have taken me to recover really needed preventing” Wade replied.

_[I don’t know why you’re so annoyed at this isn’t this what we wanted to happen?]_

“It’s the principle of the thing.” Wade replied to White. Peter frowned at him. “Now all of you get out I’m having my damn shower.” Wade said as he pushed Peter off him.

**{Scrooge McDuck over here needs time to bathe in his own money apparently}**

“You’re welcome.” Peter and Bob replied simultaneously. Peter stood up and offered his hand out to Bob who raced over to shake it.

“Peter Parker, I don’t believe we’ve met.”

 “I’m Bob, the official pain in Mr Wilson’s ass.”

“Get out!” Wade yelled at them both. Ugh who would have thought his day would turn out like this, he didn’t even get to see all of Peter’s dick. What a pathetic excuse for a day.

_[Leave the bathroom door open for him to walk inside and see you naked.]_

Huh, well, what do you know, day not wasted after all.  


	5. It Amused Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That’s very sweet of you, Bob. Not betraying one of your oldest and dearest friends like that, why you’re almost a decent human being.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look I'm not blaming Beyonce for causing me to take a while to write this, but she certainly didn't help.

As Wade left the bathroom after his much needed shower, he could hear what he feared the most happening. Bob and Peter were bonding.

“Don’t let him fool you, Mr. Parker. Mr. Wilson, underneath under all that bravado, is a very sensitive soul. For instance, he once visited my house in the middle of the night in tears because he found out the dog that was in the Air Bud franchise had died.” In Wade’s defence, he loved those movies and he was very sleep deprived at the time.

“That was one hell of a dog.” Peter said, Wade couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

Wade didn’t particularly want to hear more of his sensitive moments. He had a sinking feeling that Bob was about to bring up the arcade incident and he did not want to hear that story again. He slunk past them into his bedroom so he could quickly change into his clothes. He needed to stop this bonding moment as soon as possible.

After he had changed into his hoodie and jeans, he raced out into his living room.

“Well, I am going to the supermarket!” Wade loudly announced. “You coming, Bob?” Wade gave Bob a look that said you are coming whether you want to or not. Bob frowned at him.

“I don’t see why I would.” Bob said confused.

“Come on, Bob! Petey, you want anything?” Wade asked. Bob reluctantly walked over to Wade, grumbling under his breath.

 “Hmm, well now that you mention it, I do have a few things if you don’t mind.” Peter said before picking up a pen and a scrap bit of paper from the coffee table and scribbling down a quick list. He then stood up and handed it to Wade. “If they don’t have any fermion absorption rings then a couple of C batteries and a packet of spilt washer bolts will do.”

“We’re going to the grocery store not Technobabble R Us.” Wade grumbled but pocketed the list anyway. “Don’t set the house on fire.” Wade warned as opened his front door and walked out. Bob chased after him.

“Sooo,” Bob said knowingly. 

“So?” Wade said very unknowingly.

“So the naked man in your house is nice.” Bob said full of implications.

_[Not something I’d ever thought I’d hear Bob say]_

“He is, isn’t he?” Wade replied, careful to keep any affection out of his voice. He refuses to give Bob any ideas.

“Anything you’d like to tell me?”

“Yeah I have a weird looking rash on my elbow, do you think it’s worth going to a doctor over?” Wade rolled his sleeve up and waved his elbow in Bob’s face. Bob slapped it away.

“Did you get a boyfriend without telling me?” Bob asked upfront. Wade admired this new backbone of his, shame it probably won’t last long.

“No, unfortunately I am not sleeping with that very fine piece of ass in my living room.” Wade sighed as he began the long climb down his apartment stairwell.

“Then why is he in your living room?”

“Because he is being hunted by Ol King Pin Bowling.” Wade explained, it took Bob a moment to process this.

“Kingpin? And you let him stay here? Mr. Wilson that may not be the best idea you’ve ever had.” Bob finally said concerned.

“Have you ever known me for good ideas? Don’t answer that.” Wade responded

“He’s very nice, Mr. Wilson. But is he worth compromising your safety for? And what about Ellie?” Bob said putting in the thought and effort into this idea that Wade couldn’t be bothered with.

“Bob, did I really have that much safety to begin with?” Wade said as they finally made it onto the street.

“Mr. Wilson!” Bob chased after him.

“Look I wasn’t thinking ok? When Spiderman asks to move in with you, you don’t really question it.” Wade defended himself. Bob’s jaw dropped to the floor.

_[Oh shit]_

“He’s Spider-“ Bob started to yell but Wade jumped on top of him and covered his mouth with his hand.

“Keep it down! I didn’t mean to say that, you didn’t hear it.” Wade shushed him. Bob pushed him off.

“Mr. Wilson, how are you supposed to keep Ellie and him safe if you couldn’t even protect him from me?”

“You’re different, you’re Bob.”

“I’m an agent of HYDRA, Mr. Wilson. If I wasn’t such a good friend that could have turned very nasty very quickly.” Bob said in his best intimidating voice, it was more endearing than intimidating. Wade put his arm around Bob as they walked on to the grocery store.

“That’s very sweet of you, Bob. Not betraying one of your oldest and dearest friends like that, why you’re almost a decent human being.”

“Thank you, Mr. Wilson. But my point still stands, he needs to be out of your house, no good will come of this.” Bob warned from the comfort of Wade’s armpit.

“I know, I know. You have every right to say I told you so if this goes wrong. Which it won’t, because nobody is putting their hands on my man or my baby girl.” Wade said protectively.

“Your man?” Bob questioned, whoops.

“It happened it a dream once.” Wade hastily explained. Bob gave him a disbelieving look.

“From the way you’re talking about it I’d say it happened more than once.”

“Shush, Bob. That is on a need to know basis.”

“I think everyone knows by now, Mr. Wilson.” Bob muttered under his breath. Wade ignored him and carried on with his own conversation.

“I’m terrified to open his grocery list. I’m not going to be able to understand a fucking thing on it.”  

“He was joking, surely. No one truly expects to find that shit at a grocery store.” Bob scoffed.

* * *

He was not joking, they later found out. In fact he was so not joking that Wade damn near had a breakdown in the middle of the grocery store. He had no idea what an electron capacitor was but he did know that it wasn’t in any of the aisles. Honestly reading the list he wondered when was the last time that Peter went into a supermarket. Eventually, Bob picked him off the ground and told him just to get him cupcakes instead, everyone likes cupcakes, there’s no way Peter wold be disappointed by cupcakes. Wade through his stress induced breakdown found himself agreeing with Bob.

By the time he managed to get back home, Wade had lost Bob to an aggressive phone call from his ex-wife. He climbed up the stairs and opened to door to his apartment, he didn’t expect to see what he did.

**{Do I have Peter Parker living in my apartment or Jimmy fucking Neutron?}**

Peter was currently hanging upside down with some device that Wade didn’t think he owned and a screwdriver. He was focusing really intently on this device, Wade would be lying if he said this didn’t worry him. He also had grease marks all over him and his shirt was so damn tight, Wade had to take a minute before he made his presence known.

“Hey Petey, what happened here?” Wade said in his best concerned parent voice as he made his way to the kitchen.

“I found your tool kit-”

“Tool kit?” Wade interrupted.

_[When did we get a tool kit?]_

“It was covered in dust but it’s basically brand new never been used. I fixed the locks on the bathroom door and your front door,” Peter explained. This new mad scientist side of Peter was one lab coat away from being the hottest thing Wade’s ever seen.

**{Note to self, buy lab coat to lay around house in hope that Peter will wear it}**

“Thanks, but why are you hanging from my living room ceiling?” Wade started to put his groceries away. It was at that moment he realised he forget to get something for Ellie’s lunches yet again.

_[It’s ok we can let our daughter starve, no problem]_

“Helps me think, I noticed your toaster was broken, thought I might make a few improvements.”

“I don’t remember my toaster ever glowing.” Wade remarked.

“Improvements.” Peter explained.

“So, out of curiosity, when was the last time you’ve been at a grocery store?” Wade changed the subject.

“I don’t know, maybe two years ago, why?”

“That explains a lot.” Wade said to himself. 

“Explains what?” Peter replied clueless.

**{Bless his innocent rich ass}**

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” Wade said comfortingly. Peter shrugged and continued working on the toaster. Which Wade was convinced was no longer a toaster, judging by the way it was now beeping. “Now move, Judge Judy is on.”

“Are you serious?” Peter frowned at him. Wade ignored him as he walked from the kitchen and pushed past Peter who nearly fell from the web he was hanging onto. “Do you mind?” Peter yelled as he readjusted himself. Wade turned on the television, still on an ad break.

“Listen, baby boy, nobody and I mean nobody gets in the way between me and my love Judith Sheindlin. Ever since Bea Arthur went, god rest her soul, she’s all I got in this lonely world.” Wade then moved his hands in front of him in a cross symbol. Peter continued to frown.

“Baby boy?” Peter questioned.

_[That’s what he questions?]_

**{He’s getting too used to us}**

“What? Too soon?” Wade asked

“No it’s just- it’s weird to me, I think I like you calling me that.” Peter admitted before going back to the toaster. Wade could have sworn he saw him blushing, which was more likely to do with the fact he’s been upside down for god knows how long now than Wade.

“Good to know,” Wade replied quickly. Suddenly the baliff was on the TV telling Wade to rise for the Honourable Judith Sheindlin.

**{Oh boy do we ever}**

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand your taste in women, Wade.” Peter rolled his eyes at Wade’s enthusiasm.

“I had some unresolved issues with my mother.” Wade attempted to justify it.

“No please don’t explain it, probably best if I didn’t know.” Peter interrupted him.

“Fair enough.” Wade couldn’t blame him, it was probably best if Wade didn’t know either.

* * *

Ellie came home at six that evening, which was three hours later than she normally does. Wade was not impressed, not impressed at all. Particularly because he had to phone Al to abort the scent hounds rescue plan. 

“Eleanor!” Wade snapped at the twelve year old who was attempting to sneak past Wade making dinner in the kitchen. “You think I can’t see you?”

“Hi Dad! Fancy seeing you here! Dinner smells delightful!” Ellie was laying it on thick.

“Sit down child.” Wade said and pointed with his knife to the stool next to the kitchen counter.

“Someone’s in trouble!” Peter said in a singsong voice from the couch, he was watching Jeopardy which Wade has never watched and never wants to watch in his life.

“Go back to your nerd show, Parker. This is between Eleanor and me.” Wade cracked his neck and stared down his daughter, a trick he learnt from his own father, although his Dad usually followed with a bottle to the face.

“Listen I can explain.” Ellie tried to defend herself.

“Not even a phone call? Eleanor, do you know how worried I was about you?” Wade scolded.

“Not worried enough to put a hold on dinner.” Ellie muttered.

_[She has a point]_

“Don’t you sass me, young lady. Where were you?” Wade ignored White’s logic and carried on telling off his daughter.

“I was at the library redoing my book report.” Ellie said, Wade didn’t know whether to believe her or not. He leaned down to her and squinted his eyes at her. She stared at him back. “Ms. Hoover said since I failed on a technicality if I handed in another book report by the end of the week she’d grade me on that one instead.”

“Sounds acceptable, you didn’t think to call me though.” Wade backed off and returned to chopping his onions.

“Sorry Dad,” Ellie said, she was a good kid. Sometimes Wade had a hard time believing she was his good kid, he always thought his kid would be some wild, violent, out of control kid like the ones you see on Dr Phil, like the kid Wade was. He didn’t know how he managed to get Ellie out of all this but he was grateful.

“Don’t do it again.” Wade warned softly. Ellie smiled at him before joining Peter on the couch.   

“What’s this nerd show then, Spiderman?” Ellie asked innocently, without the snark of when Wade said it. Peter frowned at her.

“Baby, you can call him Peter.” Wade said

“Have you not seen Jeopardy? It’s an American Classic. Wade, what have you been teaching this kid?” Peter said insulted.

“I’m Canadian, I don’t need to teach my daughter about your pathetic classics.” Wade scoffed.

“What’s it about?” Ellie asked ignoring the race war going on around her.

“It’s a trivia show, Alex there tells you the answer and you have to guess the question.” Peter explained.

“Um, ok.” Ellie said tactfully.

**{She thinks it’s dumb, points to us}**

“Ha! Your American influences have no effect on our Canadian lifestyle.”

“Since when are you patriotic?”

“Since it involved proving you wrong.”

“Dad! They’ve got your category on here” Ellie said excitedly.

“What’s that?” Wade said, he didn’t like the sound of this.

“Great Mistakes in History.” Ellie laughed.

“Ouch.”

**{It’s days like these I wish she took more after her mother}**

“You better put some aloe vera on that cause you got burned.” Peter said before high fiving Ellie.

“This must be what hell feels like.” Wade muttered to himself.

“Just kidding, Dad, love you!” Ellie said comfortingly.

“Yeah, yeah, love you too.”

“They had such hits as ‘I Can’t Fight This Feeling’ and ‘Keep on Loving You’” Alex said from the TV.

“What is REO Speedwagon?” Peter yelled at the TV.

“Never took you for an REO Speedwagon fan.” Wade remarked.

“80’s hair bands are what my childhood special, Wade.”  

“Are you serious?”

“Are you questioning my love for 80’s hair bands?”

“Maybe I am, maybe I don’t believe you, you do seem more like a Spice Girls fan than anything else.” Wade remarked. Peter stood up from the couch with his chest puffed out, Wade had never seen anyone more insulted.

“Spice Girls? Spice Girls? You dare insult me like this?”

“Oi! I won’t hear a bad word against them, not in this household.” Wade interrupted Peter. Peter ignored him and carried on.

“I can’t believe you would question my love.”

“Prove it” Wade said. Only now he noticed how close they were to each other, he could see Ellie watching them out the corner of his eye.

“Is that a challenge?” Peter asked, Wade shrugged with a smile. “Oh, it is on, Pretty Boy.”

_[Pretty boy?]_

**{Are we dreaming? We’re dreaming right?}**

“How are you going to prove this exactly?” Wade asked. He could see Peter falter for a second.

“Um, I didn’t think that far.” Peter admitted. Wade pulled his phone out of his pocket, he opened Spotify and pulled up the lamest 80s playlist he could find. “Nice case.” Peter smirked.

_[In hindsight we probably should have removed the Spiderman pin up case]_

“Let’s play a fun game of name that tune.” Wade ignored Peter as he pressed play. The late and great Cutting Crew started to play.

**{A classic if ever I heard one}**

The organ intro didn’t even get to finish before Peter raised an eyebrow at him.

“What kind of amateur do you think you’re dealing with? Open parenthesis I Just closed parenthesis Died in Your Arms Tonight by the almighty one hit wonders Cutting Crew.” Peter scoffed.

**{Oh we’re just getting started}**

Wade pressed skip, Quiet Riot played. Peter had this cocky expression on his face that was kinda hot, Wade wasn’t going to lie.

“Cum on Feel the Noize, spelt with a z for that extra hardcore 80s vibe.” Peter said about five seconds into the song. Wade pressed skip, these songs were getting lamer and lamer and Wade loved every second of it. Motley Crue was up.

“Kickstart My Heart,” Peter said thoughtfully thirty seconds into the song.

“Things getting a little difficult for you?” Wade asked smugly.

“Never.” Peter stared him down, Wade pressed that skip button. This took a little longer, nearly a minute. “Oh, Rock the Night. You thought you could get away with Europe’s lesser known hit, right? You thought wrong.”

“Did I? I swore I nearly had you for a second there.” Wade pressed skip, that guitar licked into Wade’s very heart. “OH, oh I fucking love this song. Sit down, boy, you’re about to get schooled.” Wade pushed Peter onto a stool as Wade donned his best 80’s superstar pose.

“I doubt it,” Peter scoffed.

“Now listen, Not a dime, I can't pay my rent I can barely make it through the week. Saturday night I'd like to make my girl but right now I can't make ends meet.” Wade sang as he climbed on top of the coffee table. Ellie put the TV on mute as she watched Wade pose, she knew good entertainment when she saw it. “I'm always working slaving every day, gotta get away from that same old same old. I need a chance just to get away, if you could hear me think this is what I'd say.”

At this point Peter must have felt left out because he stood up and joined in for the chorus.

“Don't need nothin' but a good time. How can I resist?” They sang together, well sang more like yelled with passion. Peter made his way to Wade as he stepped off the coffee table. They were now in each other’s faces. “Ain’t looking for nothing but a good time. And it don’t get better than this.”

Wade watched as he let Peter take the next verse. If you would have told him a couple of days ago that fucking Spiderman would be in his living room jamming out to Poison. And Wade means jamming in the lamest sense possible, like this was embarrassing Dad at a wedding levels of jamming. Wade wouldn’t have believed you, Wade still doesn’t believe this. This is the guy that a week earlier Ellie said was too unattainable, this is the guy Wade used to get completely tongue-tied around, this is the biggest badass Wade knows. And he’s a complete dork, not even a cool hipster dork, there’s no irony or pretence here. Peter genuinely enjoys godawful lame music, he makes a toaster turn into an alien vessel for no other reason than boredom, he watches Jeopardy for fuck’s sake. He was the furthest thing from cool that Wade’s ever seen, which is a title that Wade himself thought he had claimed. Wade, going into this bet, only thought he had a tendency to get boners around Spidey and that was the full extent of his attraction. Wrong, oh so wrong, if the dork doing air guitar in his living room was anything to go by he might be in deeper than he thought.

_[This might be a problem]_

**{Oh is there? Number 24. _Sing_ }**


	6. Amazon Chaser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> {This just in Barry, the Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman fucks teapots}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know that plot I was talking about earlier, it's back.   
> A short lil chapter to tide you over.

Later that night, way after Ellie had gone to bed, Wade was still up watching the Home Shopping channel at two in the morning. Peter was sat next to him wrapped up in his blanket. Wade was trying very hard not to make a big deal about how Peter had his head rested on his shoulder, not that he was overcome by affection or anything, it was just Peter had been jiggling his leg for the past twenty minutes and honestly Wade was vibrating at this point.

_[Also because we’re overcome by affection]_

“If you need this because you can’t cook eggs, you don’t deserve eggs.” Peter said to Wade who laughed at that. He was talking about this device that made corn dogs out of your eggs, it looked downright unnatural.

“I bet you could make one hell of a dildo out of that thing.” Wade commented.

“Too long and thin.” Peter dismissed the idea.

**{Spiderman has dildo preferences, I have no funny commentary that’s just a weird sentence to say}**

“You like ‘em short and stout, eh?” Wade smirked.

“If I’m not fucking a teapot, what’s the point?” Peter said.

“With or without the tea?”

“Depends on where I’m positioned.” Peter said as though he had the experience to back this statement up.

**{This just in Barry, the Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman fucks teapots}**

_[Finally Mrs. Potts gets the action she so richly deserves]_

“It’s a good thing no one in this house drinks tea, or you would be in a constant daze of horniness.” Wade said.

**{We say as though our average masturbation rate hasn’t tripled since the Amazing Assman has moved in}**

“I’m not averse to a fine looking coffee pot. I’m welcome to beverages from all walks of life.” Peter said.

“Ok would you stop with the jiggling? I feel like we’re revving up for the world’s worst drag race.” Wade had finally had enough.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it, I should be out there patrolling. I’m being a bad superhero.” Peter whined.

“I didn’t realise I wasn’t sitting next to a sulky five year old.” Wade said completely ignoring any troubles Peter had.

“I’ve got a responsibility to this city, Wade. They need me, I can’t abandon them like this.” Peter said, Wade knew perfectly well where this was leading. He was hoping to avoid this because A) he doesn’t want Peter to blow their cover, B) It might endanger Ellie and C) He had just hit peak comfort on the sofa.

“You overdramatic little shit.” Wade tutted, hopefully that was enough to discourage him.

“I need to be out there, I can’t just sit here.” Peter said as he stood up and started pacing the floor.

“You are like an addict,” Wade commented.

“Wade, I can’t do this I need to be out there.” There was real desperation in his eyes.

**{So it’s come to this}**

_[We’re going to have to get up]_

Wade sighed as he stood up.

“Fucking fine, where’s your suit?” Wade asked. Peter lifted up his t-shirt to reveal he was already wearing it.

_[Ugh superheros]_

“Come with me,” Wade said as he walked out his front door. Peter followed him and went to put his mask on, Wade slapped his hand away. “Do you know nothing about being in hiding? Jesus Christ, thank god I took you in or you’d be dead right now.” Wade grumbled as he locked the door behind them and he walked over to the stairs. Peter seem surprised as he walked up them instead of down.

“Aren’t we leaving?”

“You’ll see.” Wade explained.

* * *

They made their way up two floors of the apartment block, they reached a floor where the lights were flickering and there were blood splatters on the wallpaper.

{ **Should it worry us that things straight out of a horror movie make us feel at home?}**

_[I think we’re past the point of worrying about us]_

Wade casually walked along the creaky floors with Peter slowly tip-toed behind him. Wade finally reached his shitty old apartment, he knew it was his because of the knife in the door and the dried bloodstains on the lock. Peter looked genuinely disturbed at this.

“This is Deadpool’s apartment.” Wade said by way of explanation as he bashed the door open with the side of his torso.  “The lock has a finger stuck in it.” Wade said as though that was a perfectly normal thing to happen. Peter didn’t look any less disturbed.

There was no attempt at decoration in this apartment, it was past that Wade had thought. There was peeling disgusting stained mustard yellow wallpaper hanging from the walls, there was a filthy mattered rug in the middle of the living room that very badly needed a dry clean. This was in stark contrast to Wade Wilson’s apartment where it had worn white carpeting with red cordial stains from Ellie’s 7th birthday, and the almost embarrassing pink princess wallpaper Ellie had chosen when she first moved in because the old wallpaper was giving her asthma. Wade looked at this shithole and couldn’t believe he once lived here.

Although it certainly looked like he had lived here with the moldy pizza boxes and the drawings on the wall. Peter was currently admiring a particularly gory one of Ajax, ahh those were the good ol’ days. Wade made his way over to where he kept his suit.

“This… this is what I expected you to live in.” Peter remarked.

“Yeah, I don’t do this life much these days, not with Ellie around.” Wade said simply. He grabbed his suit from his old bedroom floor and started to wrestle it on.

“So why do you keep this place?” Peter asked from the living room.

“Well I can’t afford to get it professionally fumigated, and I am not keeping my weapons collection anywhere near my Ellie-Bellie.” Wade explained.

“That’s fair.”

“Also Bob sometimes lives here, and if I get rid of this place he’ll stink up my couch with his sadness.” Wade said, he still hasn’t gotten over the last time Bob stayed with him.

_[Those stains on my shower curtain will never go away]_

“As opposed to my insufferable boredom stinking up your couch.” Peter said.

_[Yeah but we don’t want to fuck Bob]_

**{Or do we?}**

_[Gross. Disgusting. I shall never be clean again]_

“Trust me you’re a way better roommate than Bob. You don’t leave your underpants, which you wore for a week straight, in my bed. And then don’t tell me that they’re there so when I get under the covers they sneak attack me.” Wade started having war flashbacks of very crusty underpants suddenly appearing on his torso. He ended up going to Ellie’s room saying that Daddy had a nightmare and can he sleep in her room?

“Well I didn’t before but I can now if you want.” Peter offered.

“NO! Um no thank you that’ll be fine.” Wade replied way too quickly. He could hear Peter snickering in the other room.

**{Although if you’d like to leave your underwear on my bedroom floor that’d be more than welcome}**

_[Is that a sex thing or do you want to start a laundry pile? I’m confused]_

**{It’s always a sex thing, when will you learn?}**

“So you and Deadpool, are they one and the same or is he an… look I’m not saying you’re crazy I just- a lot of these drawings…” Peter trailed off as he struggled to find a non-offensive way to say what he was trying to say.

“Well, yes and no. We were one and the same for a long time there, and then Ellie came along and now he’s just an exaggerated version of me. I think.” Wade explained.

_[So where do we come in?]_

**{Yeah you forget about us Wadey Boy?}**

“Maybe we don’t tell the man we’re crushing on about the voices in our head.” Wade muttered to them. “Or the fact we refer to ourselves using the ‘royal we’ what the fuck?”

_[We prefer the term boxes]_

**{That is what we are, don’t you see us?}**

“If I saw you two I wouldn’t be standing here I’d be admitting myself to the fucking crazy bin.” Wade shushed them. He finally had his suit fully on, those boots were a bitch to fully get on. Wade walked out to the living room and opened the large wooden cabinet with a large dent in it. Peter was already fully in costume.

“Do I want to know where that dent came from?”

“No, no you don’t.” Wade said.

**{We copied that cat if you know what I mean}**

_[No I don’t, if I ever do kill me]_

Wade pulled out his basic Deadpool weapons. Laverne and Shirley, his trusty Katanas, and George and Michael, his faithful .45 Pistols.

**{I stand by that the second one should have been called Andrew}**

_[It’s not as funny]_

**{If you understand the intricate details of Wham! It is}**

_[Wow I know both of the band member’s names, how intricate!]_

“Ready to go?” Wade asked cheerfully, ignoring the bickering going on inside his head.

“Always.” Peter replied.

* * *

They made their way out of the fire escape and onto the streets, at some point in this, Spiderman took over. Wade just made it sound like Peter was suddenly possessed by a demon Spiderman but what he meant was Wade was no longer in charge of where they went next. Spiderman started his patrol, it was still the same old routes but it felt different to Wade. Probably because he was right next to, and occasionally on the back of, Spiderman instead of creepily being ten feet behind him at all times. But it had a different feel, Spiderman’s strong sense of justice might just be rubbing off on Wade but he felt like he was doing a good thing.

Not only did he have a strong sense of justice, Spiderman had a strong unwavering focus that Peter only sort of had. Like Wade had cracked at least five jokes about the hot dog stand being left knocked over and alone on a street corner, but Spiderman didn’t respond to any of them. Whereas Peter would crack about five more. Not that Spiderman didn’t have a sense of humor, it was just a little bit more restrained than Peter’s.

The patrol went fairly smoothly, Wade could see why Peter was so obsessed with getting out here. He was in his element here, Wade had never felt more unnecessary in his life. Spiderman would kick serious ass or rescue a cat and Wade would maybe get a punch in or stand there awkwardly. Spiderman had a flow to this, such a practiced routine, that Wade just felt like a shag on a rock.

They finally made their way back home, they were making their way into the window of Deadpool’s apartment when Wade felt a searing stabbing pain in his shoulder. He glanced over his shoulder to see an arrow sticking out of his back. Motherfucker. He took a deep breath and pulled the arrow out.

**{Holy motherfucking shit}**

_[Never gets any easier]_

He looked at the arrow before noticing there was a note attached.

_[Oh goodie one of those psychos]_

He unravelled the note and looked at what it said.

_I see you have an insect problem, I think it’s about time you called an exterminator, kid._

**{Oh shit}**


	7. Clingy Jealous Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to learn how to write at a decent normal hour.

As soon as Wade reached his apartment, he immediately pulled out his phone and made a call he wasn’t looking forward to.

“What did you do this time?”

“Charming as ever, Emily.” Wade grumbled.

“It’s three a.m., you did something.” Wade could hear her yawn.

“No actually, it wasn’t me this time. I’m an innocent bystander.” Wade said proudly. Emily scoffed.

“That’s great, Wade. I’m going back to bed.”

“Can Ellie stay with you for a couple of days? I don’t think it’s safe for her to be here at the moment.” Wade asked nervously. He didn’t know why he was nervous, Emily would say yes, she loved Ellie just as much as Wade did.

“Should I ask why?” Emily sighed.

“I have a fugitive in my house, you might have heard of him, he’s called Spiderman.” Wade bragged a little, he was allowed to, after living in Wade’s head for that long there were no secrets between them.

“Is he really a fugitive or you hunting for some alone time?”

“How dare you! I would never choose that depraved behaviour over my daughter! How could-“ He could practically see her judgemental glare from the other side of the phone. “It’s a little bit of both.”

“Okay, Wade. I’ll pick her up tomorrow after school.” Emily said.

“You are the best thing to ever come out of my brain, you know that?”

“No, I don’t ever want to know that.”  Emily replied. “Go to sleep, Wade.” She said gently before hanging up. Wade was going to have to buy her a card and some flowers.

* * *

That next morning, after a restless night, Wade had quietly packed a duffle bag for Ellie. She didn’t seem to appreciate his efforts when she woke up, however.

“Dad, what happened? Where am I going?” She asked urgently as she woke up to Wade placing her duffle bag on her bed.

“You are going to your Aunt Emily’s for a couple of days.” Wade explained. She immediately got her tantrum face on.

**{Oh god duck for cover}**

“I won’t hear another word about it, you’re going and that’s final.” Wade said calmly. That did nothing to quell the flames.

_[At least she doesn’t break things any more]_

**{Or people}**

“Dad, I’m not leaving.”

“Ellie.” Wade warned.

“I’m not going!” She protested before doing the dreaded arm cross and pout combo.

“You’re going to be late for school, you don’t have time for this.” Wade said before leaving her room to pack her school bag.

“Dad!” Ellie whined.

“I said I’m not discussing it, move it, Ellie.” Wade said in his best authoritative Dad voice. He finds the best thing to do with Ellie’s tantrums is to ignore them and hope they go away, five times out of ten they do. Today was not one of those days.

“But why?” Ellie chased after Wade into the kitchen. Wade stopped what he was doing and crouched down to her level.

“Deadpool did a very dumb thing and maybe he’ll tell you about it when you’re older. It’s 7:15 you need to get ready for school.” Wade explained. Ellie didn’t move.

“How long am I staying there?” Ellie asked warily.

“Only a couple of days, a week at most.” Wade replied as earnestly as he could.

“You said that last time.” Ellie said her voice wavering, Wade could see the waterworks coming.

**{Just rip my heart out and stomp it in two, why don’t you}**

“I also promised you I would never do last time again, didn’t I?” Wade said, Ellie nodded but it didn’t seem to make her feel any better because the lip was now quivering.

_[Look if she cries, I cry, there’s just no way we can move forward in our day after this]_

Wade quickly wrapped his arms around her and brought her into his chest. Ellie clung to him and Wade felt his shoulder start to get wet.

“It’s ok, it’s ok, Baby, don’t cry. Everything’s going to be alright, it’s just going to be a sleepover and I will call every night to make sure you’re ok and I will see you in a couple of days. It’ll be great, Auntie Emily will do your hair and make you cookies and you’ll see the boys again and you can show them all the cool moves you learnt at soccer.” Wade babbled as he rubbed her back. Ellie still hadn’t calmed down so he just kept talking. “It’s got nothing to do with you, Baby, you’re only sleeping over there to keep you safe. I don’t want you to go, you know? Every day without you will be absolute hell.”

“Absolute hell?” She mumbled into his shoulder.

“Complete torture, you know I’m a wreck without my Ellie-Bellie.” Wade said.

“You better be.” Ellie said sternly as she pulled away from Wade’s hug. Wade wiped her cheeks with his thumb.

**{It figures that our misery is the thing that cheers her up}**

“Feeling better?” Wade asked, Ellie nodded. “Good, go get ready for school, Baby, and I’ll walk you there.”

“Dad! I’m not six anymore! I don’t need you walking me to school.” She rolled her eyes as she went off to get dressed. Wade stood up and was left alone and confused.

“Fucking kids, man.” Wade shook his head as he got Ellie’s lunch box ready, which was last night’s leftovers.

_[Responsible parent, hell yeah!]_

“What was that about?” Peter asked from the couch.

**{Shit}**

_[How did we forget he was there?]_

“Ellie’s staying at a family friend’s house for the next couple of days.” Wade said simply. “She’s not a huge fan of being sent away.”

“Why’s she going?” Peter frowned at this development.

“I’ll tell you later.” Wade dismissed him with a wave of his hand as he walked over to Ellie’s bag with her lunch in hand. Peter stood up from the couch.

“Wade, what’s happening?” Peter said as he stepped in the way of Wade.

**{This may be the best morning we’ve ever had]**

_[Best?]_

**{Did I say best? I meant this is the worst thing we’ve ever experienced}**

Wade could only glance at Peter before stepping around him and continue getting Ellie’s bag ready.

“Wade.” Peter repeated.

“Fucking fine!” Wade snapped. He pulled out of his hoodie pocket the bloody arrow and the note that was attached, he pushed it into Peter’s chest.

**{We did not just kill Peter Parker}**

_[We gave it to him angrily]_

**{We could have phrased that better}**

“What is this?” Peter asked after inspecting it.

“Someone shot it into my shoulder last night as we were going back to the apartment.” Wade explained. Bag zipped up and ready to go, thank god. Wade looked up to see Peter looking at him concerned.

“Jesus, Wade, you didn’t think to mention it?” Peter said in a hushed tone. “Who did it?”

“An old pal.” Wade explained through gritted teeth. “I bet he was the one who ransacked your apartment as well. The smarmy fucker wanted you to know you were being hunted.”

“Who?” Peter asked very confused at what Wade was talking about. Ellie came back into the room with her duffle bag and went to grab her school bag from Wade. She had this reluctant shuffle going on and she was looking at Wade as though this was the last time she’d see his face.

**{Well that just won’t do}**

“You’re going to have a lot of fun, baby. If you’re lucky enough Emily might deadlift you over her head again” Wade said excitedly, Ellie giggled at that. That was good enough for Wade. “Come here, give mama a kiss, baby.” Wade said in his best Southern Mother accent and presented his cheek for her to kiss. Ellie stood on her tippy toes and gave him a peck.

“I’m really glad you’re my Dad.” Ellie admitted after she was stood normally.

**[If you look down on the floor you might be able to catch a glimpse of my melted heart]**

“Mama knows, child, go on girl.” Wade continued in his accent. Ellie laughed as she took her bag and left. Wade watched as she left, his heart falling out of his chest as she did so.

“If you two got any sweeter I wouldn’t have any teeth right now.” Peter remarked.

“She’s my daughter, I’m allowed.” Wade said absent-mindedly, he was still thinking of Ellie. He really hoped she’d settle in ok at Emily’s, it was likely that she’d sit in her room there and sulk in bed until Wade called. In fact, Wade was a hundred percent sure that was exactly what she was going to do. He hoped Emily could at least drag her out of there for dinner.

“Who shot you Wade?” Peter asked gravely.

**{Oh boy we’re doing this}**

“Isn’t it obvious?” Wade said to a blank stare. “It’s Bullseye.” There was silence for a moment.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever paid attention to the lethal things flying towards you, but Bullseye doesn’t shoot with a bow and arrows. In fact he shoots with literally anything else, it’s kind of his shtick.” Peter said in disbelief.

“Last time I saw him he was pretending to be Hawkeye, it’s got to be him. He’s cocky enough to want to get caught so he can monologue about his genius for finding us before he kills us… well you.” Wade corrected himself, not that it helped the situation. Peter started to rub his temples, that didn’t look like a good sign.

“So let me get this straight, a crazy very dangerous assassin is after _me_ , and you kick Ellie out of the house. Did I get that right?” Peter asked sounding the opposite of grateful.

“What would have you rather me do? Keep my daughter in the same building as someone who is being hunted by Kingpin’s top assassin, god why didn’t I think of that?” Wade said, the sarcasm flying.

“Kick me out!” Peter yelled as though it should have been the obvious solution.

_[Huh, never thought of that]_

“What and let him kill you?” Wade scoffed.

“Um, hi I’m Spiderman, we might have met.” Peter replied having none of it. “Why the hell would you choose me over Ellie?”

In all honesty, Wade didn’t even consider Peter leaving as an option. It wasn’t an option, because that would involve not seeing Peter again, when would they honestly see each other again? Never is the answer you’re looking for, he’s Peter Parker CEO of Parker Industries and he’s motherfucking Spiderman. He doesn’t need the ninety nine cent store version of Slade Wilson hanging around him. Sure, Wade will see Spiderman again, but in a strange turn of events, Spiderman isn’t the main love in Wade’s life. In fact Wade was unsure how he’d go back to plain old Spiderman after meeting Peter Parker, the real life version of Michael J. Fox in Atlantis. Ok yes, in hindsight, it was a stupid and fucking selfish reason. But Wade doesn’t regret it.

“Because Ellie can leave the apartment without being attacked on sight.” Wade rattled off some excuse to keep Peter off his back. He didn’t think it worked though because Peter rounded in on him.

“But unlike Ellie I can handle it, why are you protecting me like this?” Peter demanded.

_[This is a first, we’re being turned on by a frown]_

“Because you need protecting, Parker. You’re not invincible.” Wade scoffed.

“Ok yeah, maybe I do, but why do you think I need _you_ to protect me of all people?” Peter crossed his arms.

“I’m totally justified in being insulted by that, aren’t I?” Wade asked to make sure he wasn’t totally crazy for thinking that what he said trampled over any ounce of ego he had.

“For fuck’s sake, Wade.” Peter sighed. Wade wasn’t entirely sure what he was getting riled up about.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m a terrible parent for valuing your safety as much as my daughter’s? Fuck it, fine, I’m a fucking awful parent.” Wade finally snapped.

“Wade that’s not-“

“And you know what, I’m sorry that I have a vested interest in your safety.” Wade continued, Peter looked at him as though this was new information. “Don’t look at me like that, of course I care. Look at you with your stupid effortlessly dishevelled hair that you obviously put effort into and your glasses that you don’t really need, do you, because of the spider vision. You think I could avoid caring about your stupid Mark Cohen lookalike ass, ha! I could only wish. Oh, and that whole I’m just going to casually turn your toaster into a flux capacitor. Fuck you, I don’t need that level of The Professor in my house, get off my fucking island.”

There was silence for a moment as Wade breathed that anger off. As he searched Peter’s face, that was now precariously close to his, he thought of something else to yell at him about.

“And another thing, you’re so fucking-“ Wade started to say but Peter cut him off by closing the gap between them and kissing Wade. Wade had never known the meaning of the word speechless, but that’s the only way he could describe what he was experiencing right now. That and an overwhelming urge to kiss Peter back. So he did and he kind of liked it, a lot actually. Peter was a better kisser than one would expect.

_[This isn’t in the plan]_

**{Yes it is}**

_[No you’re thinking of the Seduce Spiderman in Ten Days or Your Money Back plan, I’m referring to Uh Uh Uh Uh Keep Ellie Alive Keep Ellie Alive plan. Which if you’ll read section 23 subsection 4.b you’ll see that UUUUKEAKEA places top priority over all other plans, including SSTDYMB]_

**{You never let us have any fun}**

_[You never let me have any good acronyms I think we’re even]_

Wade reluctantly listened to White and pulled away from Peter. Stick to the plan, keep Ellie safe. Peter looked at him with this lustful gaze like someone had put Vaseline on the camera of Wade’s life, and Wade was going to have the worst case of blue balls known to man tonight.

“I’m moving out,” was all Wade had to say to Peter. This clearly wasn’t what Peter was expecting him to say as any sign of lust suddenly disappeared from his face.

“What are you talking about?” Peter said after fully processing what Wade said.

“I’m moving to the Deadpool apartment for a while, don’t want Bullseye to find this place, or you.” Wade explained. Peter eventually started to nod in agreement.

“Um, yeah I guess that’s fair.” Peter said awkwardly.

**{SSTDYMB is crashing clear for the defibrillator}**

_[Do it for her]_

**{Don’t just quote The Simpsons at me, do something!}**

“Yeah, you need anything let me know. Stay safe.” Wade replied just as awkwardly. He then went over to his front door and left the apartment, all the while avoiding Peter’s gaze.

**{Well thanks for that}**

_[Number 7. Act horrified at the thought that you could ever be in love with him and be a cranky, volatile person around him. Remember, no hero likes a Clingy Jealous Girl]_

**{Fuck you}**


	8. Can't Hold His Liquor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: This chapter was a lot different in the first draft

Wade had been wallowing in his old apartment for hours now. He was lying on his broken fold out couch while the TV was blasting some godawful reality show that even he drew the line at. Not even Judy cheered him up in this state, and Judy’s never failed him before. He couldn’t believe that Peter Parker had kissed him and Wade’s first instinct was to turn into his fucking third grade teacher and go “safety first, children!” It was pathetic.  

Hell, the fact that Peter had kissed him at all was a miracle in itself. Maybe he’d made a mistake, maybe he meant to kiss someone behind Wade and Wade just happened to be in the way. Or maybe Peter tripped and fell lips first. Or maybe he confused Wade with Willem Dafoe, a common mistake, but then there’s the terrible truth of Peter possible being attracted to Willem Dafoe. All were more believable than Peter kissing him because he wanted to or was even attracted to him at all.

And now here Wade was, not telling Peter how he felt or lying in bed all day doing anything but lying, but here in his shitty old apartment staring at the ceiling. He never noticed how many action figurines he had on his ceiling fan until now. He was an idiot, a total complete idiot. Only explanation why he wouldn’t take this once in a lifetime opportunity. Sure he guessed it was safer to not fuck the man being hunted by a man Deadpool has tried to kill multiple times. But maybe one risk wouldn’t hurt… wouldn’t hurt him, Ellie on the other hand. Fuck, parenting is the fucking worst, man.

Speaking of Ellie, he glanced over at the television and Wheel of Fortune was playing. And Pat Sajak could only mean one thing, it was time to call Ellie. He was looking forward to it actually, it was a welcome distraction. Also you know, checking if the child was ok, settling in, safe, all that jazz.

He quickly dialled Emily’s number on one of many burner phones he had lying around.  He waited for someone to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Shane! How the hell are you?” Wade said cheerily and a bit louder than intended. Wade had a habit of getting really nervous around Emily’s husband, wasn’t sure why.

_[Is it because he has an acceptable job with a house he owns and a loving family?]_

**{I think it’s more because every time he looks at us he looks like he’s going to pop us like a grape}**

“Not bad, Wade, not bad.” Shane replied loud enough for Ellie to hear. At least that’s what Wade was assuming he was doing, because he could hear Ellie, it could only be Ellie, on the other end running out of her room and slamming the door behind her. He then heard the phone suddenly being grabbed and manhandled.

“Dad?”

“Hey baby!” Wade said.

**{Whatever we just complained about, we take it back. We take it all back}**

_[I told you she’s worth it, you never listen]_

“Dad! Are you ok? Has anything happened? Can I come home?” Ellie asked rapidly.

“One question at a time, baby, I’m not Bill Clinton, I didn’t come with a pre-written speech”

“Dad!” She replied with less love than the last time she said it.

“Ok, I’m fine, nothing happened, you can’t come home just yet. How are you settling in at Emily’s? You being nice?” Wade said quickly changing the subject. He knew if he kept talking he’d spill out the whole kiss thing, and he was not prepared for Ellie to talk about it non-stop for the next four years.

“I’m always nice.” Ellie protested.

“William Heisman” Wade muttered in between coughs.

“Ha! Well that’s where you’re wrong actually.” Ellie replied smugly. Wade felt his heart freeze in his chest

“Baby, don’t play me like this. I’m old and frail.” Wade warned, Ellie just laughed at Wade’s newfound horror.

“He came up to me today, because he’s back at school now that his jaw’s all healed up, and he said that no one’s ever stood up to him like that before and if I wanted to study with him at the library tomorrow.” Ellie quickly said too excited to slow down.

**{Is this the little boy I carried?}**

_[When did he grow to be so tall?]_

“Seems only yesterday that you were small.” Wade murmured.

“Dad! It’s only a study date it’s not like anything’s going to happen, probably, not if I can help it.” Ellie said that last part to herself more than Wade. “Dad are you crying?”

“No, baby, course not.” Wade said assuring.

_[Only on the inside]_

**{And a little bit on the out}**

“But Dad, the list worked! Doesn’t that mean it’ll work with Peter too? You know law of averages and the like.” Ellie said trying to get back on Wade’s good side, not that she would ever be on his bad side. She could kill several people at this point and Wade would still set a place for her at the table.

_[Not that we have a dinner table]_

**{Where’s your poetic spirit?}**

“How’s Emily?” Wade quickly changed the subject. There was a pause as Ellie seemed unwilling to take the bait.

“What are you hiding?” Elle asked warily.

“Me? Nothing! Why would I hide something from my precious baby girl?” Wade asked defensively.

“Dad, did something happen with you and Peter?” Ellie was very keen to stick her oar into Wade’s business, Wade guessed it was because she didn’t get this opportunity often.

“Nooo… Well yes, maybe, not really. Don’t get worked up about it.” Wade shrugged it off.

“DAD!” Ellie yelled into the phone, so loudly Wade heard Emily on the other end say afterwards ‘Don’t deafen your father dear.’

“Look it was just a kiss nothing exciting, it wasn’t even that long.” Wade said, trying to play down the situation as much as possible. Ellie wasn’t having any of that however.

“Did you kiss him?”

“He kissed me.” Wade answered, he was again nearly deafened by the squeal she let out.

“Dad! That’s great! What happened afterwards?”

“I left.”

“You what?” Ellie said flatly.

“I left the apartment.”

“Dad, how could you be so-“ Ellie said about to go off at Wade.

“May I remind you, before you call me stupid, that you got your first date by breaking his jaw?” Wade interrupted coolly. Ellie was quiet after that. “Mama knows best, child. Now once and for all how is Emily?”

Ellie begrudgingly answered the question, Ellie had been sulking in her room all night as expected. However Emily was extra nice apparently and made her a hot chocolate and told the boys to leave her alone for a little while. Ellie then told Wade all about her day which was a long story that, although Wade loved hearing his daughter talk, didn’t need to be told if Wade was being totally honest. But she seemed happy about it, and that was all that mattered. Eventually Ellie had run out of things to tell Wade considering they only saw each other that morning, although Ellie was perfectly happy to replace that with whatever popped into her head at that moment. Wade had to stop her during a particularly thrilling re-enactment of a Doritos commercial, problem with that was Wade was sitting next to her when she first saw it. With a promise that he’d call again tomorrow, he hung up.

Wade instantly regretted hanging up, because now he was back to wallow in his own loneliness. He had to damn near physically fight off the thought that he had a perfectly agreeable Spiderman, also probably wallowing in his own loneliness, just two floors below. Although the idea that Peter was wallowing over Wade was pretty unbelievable in itself. At some point over the course of the night, Wade dragged himself off the couch and got one of Bob’s microwave dinners for one out of the freezer. Wade couldn’t believe that in one foul swoop he had regressed back into Bob.

* * *

It must have been midnight before he convinced himself to go to bed, it must have been because when he got a knock at the door his first thought was how someone dare knock at his door at this ungodly hour. Another thought quickly followed which was oh shit. Wade had his hand hovering over his katana as he cautiously creaked his door open. There in all his messy glory, was Peter Fucking Parker.

“Your apartment is too quiet.” Peter observed. Normally Wade was inclined to agree with him, however, with how loudly Peter just said that sentence, Wade had a difficult time believing that was true.

“So you decided to liven mine up a little?” Wade said dryly as he fully opened the door and let Peter come crashing into his apartment. Wade closed the door behind him and when he looked back to see Peter standing directly in front of him. He says stands, he means more swaying if Wade breathes wrong he could knock Peter over.

“I’m sorry.” Peter mumbled. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it to do it. I didn’t mean to fuck this up, I’m sorry.”

“Are you drunk?” Wade ignored this impassioned speech, instead focusing on the overwhelming smell of alcohol on Peter’s breath.

“I am trying to apologize to you and you are judging my alcohol levels!” Peter protested. Wade rolled his eyes.

“How did you even manage to get like this? I don’t drink.” Wade wondered

“Bob came around, he got out his emergency flask, his ex-wife flask, his inadequacy flask, his hiding from his troubles flask,” Peter listed off. Wade needed to keep a better eye on Bob’s alcoholism it seemed.

“Don’t you have a healing ability? How can you even get drunk?” Wade asked in sheer disbelief, the fact that Bob had enough alcohol on him to get Spiderman drunk was worrying.

“Well, ya got me. By all accounts it doesn’t make any sense.” Peter shrugged before laughing at his own reference. He then suddenly remember what he came here for in the first place. “You’re mad at me, aren’t you? I’m sorry, I wanna make it better, can we just?” Peter said before hugging Wade tightly, the man had a stronger grip then Wade expected and Wade was very thankful for his self-healing lungs

Wade wanted to be irritated but honestly drunk Peter was kind of adorable.

“Ok baby boy, I think it’s bed time for you, don’t you think?” Wade said hoping that Peter was drunk enough to allow himself to be parented. Unfortunately, Peter had other ideas.

“I just think I made you uncomfortable, not just down there, but in general. And when we kissed you were too uncomfortable with it and I’m sorry.”

_[And people say we speak nonsense]_

“Um, apology accepted?” Wade said very unsure of how he was supposed to reply to that.

“And I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me, I want you to feel welcome and loved. Because you are always, around me.” Peter continued to grovel clearly not hearing Wade.

**{Did he just say loved?}**

“And you know, Wade, you are so put together and you have this whole life that is wholesome and pure and I’m gonna wreck it all up if I start sticking my tongue down your throat. You were right to run. I don’t blame you. And I thought I was so important to ruin your life, it’s not right.” Peter continued to ramble on despite that Wade had stopped listening at this point and was now searching for ways to sober Peter up.

“Ok stop talking now, have you had anything to eat today?” Wade asked interrupting Peter's moment.

“You.” Peter said matter-of-factly.

“Oh my god.” Wade rolled his eyes so quickly he nearly strained them.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have brought it back up.” Peter suddenly pushed Wade away and stumbled over to the couch.

“Peter,” Wade said. Peter turned so fast to look back at him he nearly gave himself whiplash. “I’m not mad at you.” Peter’s eyes went wide.

“You’re not? Oh that’s so cool!” Peter said genuinely. “You wanna keep making out then, dude?” Peter then asked.

**{Yes absolutely}**

_[He’s going to vomit in our mouth}_

**{Would that be a ba-}**

_[No that is not a sexy thing to happen you’re disgusting]_

“I- no thank you.” Wade said. “I’m going to get you some water.” Wade walked into the kitchen and tried to remember where he used to keep cups.

“Oh,” Peter said sadly. “I should have known you don’t, I mean it was all teasing wasn’t it? You don’t actually feel like that, you’ve got a kid you’re too busy for that.” Peter rambled. Wade brought him an old Macdonald’s cup filled with water, he handed it to him with a kiss on the cheek.

“Stop talking and drink.” Wade patted him on the shoulder as he sat next to him.

“You’re too good to me.” Peter mumbled into his cup before he sipped the water.

_[Well now we know he’s drunk]_

“I’ve never been too good for anything.” Wade snorted. Peter rested his head on Wade’s shoulder.

“Yes, yes you are.” Peter said softly before drifting off into light snores. Wade quickly grabbed the cup out of Peter’s hand and put it on the ground before he could make any more of a mess.

“Night Petey.” Wade said before lying down on the couch and making both of them more comfortable. He could get used to this.


	9. "The Reason You Suck" Speech

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> {Thank you, Boob Lady!}
> 
> [Not helping]
> 
> Or the plot continues to thicken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be longer but I've already taken two weeks to get this far.

Wade awoke the next morning to a knock on the door, he sighed deeply still really half asleep before attempting to sit up and trudge over to the door to answer the door. A quarter of the way through the attempt he realised three things. One, he had Peter Parker straddling him in an attack koala bear position similar to John and Yoko circa 1981. Two, anyone who was at the door was more than likely bad news, and was definitely going to kill them. Sure, Wade supposed it could be Bob or Al behind the door, but again bad news, will kill them. Three, Wade had a very unfortunate boner that will not be useful to any part of this situation, unless he was planning to intimidate the person behind the door with his sexual prowess. The lycra and spandex was absolutely not helping, in fact if anything they were actively working against him.

So with these three realisations Wade quickly prayed Peter was not planning on waking up anytime soon and shoved his hand down his pants and readjusted himself. He liked to think this made it less obvious but who knows at this stage, as long as it didn’t look like he was an ancient shaman guiding his pupil towards the right path he was fine with it.

**{Thank you, Boob Lady!}**

_[Not helping]_

Wade then shook Peter awake, who didn’t react at all to this. Wade had to take drastic measures and, as much as it broke his heart to do so, violently pushed Peter off of him and onto the filthy STI riddled floor. Peter landed with a thump and then loudly groaned. Wade immediately felt guilty, not guilty enough however to check Peter’s wellbeing or anything. He just stood up and grabbed Peter by the arm and attempted to pull him to his feet. It didn’t work, like at all. He just ended up pulling Peter towards him and towards the cupboard Wade was going to hide him in.

“Ugh.” Peter attempted to communicate.

“What’s that, Lassie?” Wade smirked as he continued to pull Peter towards the cupboard.

“Ugh.” Peter scoffed and rolled his eyes, well he tried to the blinding hangover quickly stopped him.

“Mr Tumnus has fallen down a well? Quick, Lassie! Get in here and try to find him, I’ll get help” Wade said urgently, he picked up Peter bridal style and went to place him in his wardrobe.

“Huh?” Peter asked as he investigated the strange hard lump that was now on his hip.

_[Oh god]_

**{Let him find it, this could get interesting}**

_[Where do you think we are?]_

Wade quickly threw Peter into the cupboard with a bit more force than necessary and shut the door behind him. He then took a deep breath and walked towards his front door. On the way he picked up a gun he had lying on the coffee table and stuffed it down the back of his pants. Just in case.  He opened the door.

“Took your time.”

Wade was right, and for once he wasn’t overly pleased about it. There he was with a toothy, unbearable, slightly unhinged grin. His fucking white target on his forehead, he probably thinks it’s ironic, it’s not, it’s just as insufferable and melodramatic as the rest of him.

“Sorry Bullseye, mustn’t have heard your villain motif.” Wade remarked dryly.

“Were you talking to someone?” Bullseye asked as he pushed past Wade and let himself into Wade’s apartment.  

“Oh I’m considering scatter cushions, I simply must ask you while you’re here, how do you feel about velvet?” Wade asked casually, too casually. It was unnaturally casual and Bullseye knew it, Wade could see it on his fucking smug face.

“Awfully domestic of you.” Bullseye remarked as though he knew something Wade didn’t. “You’re not going soft on me, are you?”

“Rookie, you know I could only ever be hard for you.” Wade said, hopefully Bullseye could see his eyelashes batter through the mask. Bullseye looked at him with a mixture of disbelief and disgust.

**{And maybe just a hint of arousal}**

“See now, I’m at the crux of a dilemma here. I’m supposed to be the one to kill your little bug boyfriend, but I don’t know if I can do that at the cost of our deep loving friendship.” Bullseye explained, he looked almost genuinely conflicted… almost. He began looking around Wade’s apartment. Not that there was much to look at, unless he had an intense fascination with mouldy pizza boxes and action figures.

“What deep loving friendship?” Wade laughed.

_[Even our dumb asses know that most loving friends don’t try to kill each other on a biannual basis]_

“I was hoping you’d say that.” Bullseye muttered before ripping off the arm of a Wolverine action figure and throwing it at Wade’s hand which pinned his hand into the wall.

**{I always knew Wolverine would be the end of us}**

_[Why did we have to get the extra-large one?]_

“Hey, that was limited edition!”

“Where is he, Wade?” Bullseye walked up to him calmly

“Who? Wolverine? Probably at a bar somewhere called the Lonely Musk. Why you interested? He tends to go for redheads but I’m sure your charming personality will win him over.” Wade babbled cheerily, as though he wasn’t pinned against a wall with nothing but impending doom staring him in the face.

“Listen, Kid. I’m interested in you shut-“

“Oh Rookie, I’m flattered but really you could do so much better.” Wade interrupted, he didn’t get to finish what he was saying because Bullseye put his hand around Wade’s neck and squeezed.

“Shut up, Wilson. You’re in way over your head. Although I suppose that’s the norm for you, isn’t it? I need your little friend, preferably dead, although I can work with alive. And I need him now.” Bullseye loosened his grip on Wade’s neck, not enough to let him go but enough that Wade could speak.

“Your life would be a lot simpler if you just dropped the “I am an artiste” bullshit and kill your target like a fucking normal hit man.” Wade said as deadpan as he could through the coughs.

“But there’s no fun in that is there? There’s no artistry, there’s no respect for the delicate relationship of the hunter and the prey.” Bullseye started to monologue.

**{Oh Jesus, here we go}**

“You didn’t take your meds this morning, did you?”

“What happened to you, Wilson? What happened to the Wade that I knew all those years ago?”

“Oh are we really bringing out the trademarked Bullseye’s Dramatic Strategy of Manipulation? You know because that never gets old,” Wade rolled his eyes, it’s a good thing that being strangled doesn’t impact Wade’s sarcasm.

_[You let me have a good acronym!]_

“I’m not manipulating you, Kid. I’m just telling you the facts, how long ago has it been since your last hit? It’s been a while hasn’t it? A year, maybe two. Can you even call yourself a merc anymore? Hell, can you even call yourself Deadpool?” Bullseye knew exactly where to hit, Wade would be lying if he said that Bullseye didn’t bother him. Because he was right really, Deadpool hasn’t been Wade’s highest priority lately. The only work he’s gotten as Deadpool recently was “small favours” for the X men or SHIELD. Not that Wade’s complaining, they pay well and he has Ellie, and honestly Ellie’s worth Wade’s ego.

“Wow it’s almost like I’ve grown into a mature human with a moral compass, isn’t that bizarre?” Wade said

“Oh Wilson, Wilson, Wilson. Don’t you know? Killers like us don’t get to have morals, we don’t get to play heroes. We’ve killed innocent people, it’s a little late to start having morals now. Think of the poor innocent people that you killed for a measly pay check. You think you even have a right to morals? You don’t deserve morals, you deserve to be like me.” Bullseye let go of Wade and let him drop to the floor. Direct hit, once again the Bullseye Dramatic Strategy of Manipulation claims another victim.

_[He’s right.]_

“Crazy, cold hearted, and alone?” Wade asked shakily as Bullseye ripped the figurine out of his hand.

“Exactly, so kid, tell me, where’s Spiderman?” Bullseye crouched down to Wade’s level.

“Oh Wade honey, why didn’t you tell me we had guests? I would have prepared something, like a better villain speech or a punch to the face.” Wade looked up to see Peter standing in the bedroom doorway completely decked out in his Spiderman costume. Wade would normally question how the hell Peter managed, through his hangover, to get his costume on or even where he got it from in the first place. But this has been a very strange morning he was prepared to let few things slide.

“I would, you see, but god, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise what with all that monologuing.” Wade replied exasperated.

“You kept him here? Wilson, that’s not very smart, I expected more of a challenge than that.” Bullseye glared at Wade, probably miffed that all his expert manipulation was wasted.

“You know me, Bullseye, I’m all about convenience.” Wade said as Peter sprayed his web at Bullseye’s eyes, while he was temporarily blinded Peter kicked him to floor and Wade scrambled to get his weapons. Bullseye didn’t take to recover but by the time he opened his eyes Peter had run out onto the fire escape and swung his way outta there. Bullseye stood up and looked at Wade with this deranged grin.

“The hunt begins!” He said before chasing Peter out the window.

“Well fuck.” Wade sighed to his empty apartment before following Bullseye out. He honestly didn’t know why he expected his morning to go any differently.   


	10. The Cartwright Curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fuck you, I’m a single dad, I’m allowed to get tubby."
> 
> Or things get intense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short ish chapter, really this should have gone in with the last one. Oh well.

Wade will be the first to admit that a rooftop chase looks a lot easier than it actually is. Particularly when your super power is healing as opposed to flying through the air or literally anything that might be helpful for something other than breathing. Bullseye’s superpower was apparently determination because he had no trouble chasing Peter down, at least Wade assumed so. He didn’t know he lost them about ten minutes ago. The temptation to forget about them and go get a breakfast burrito instead was overwhelming. But Wade couldn’t just abandon Peter like that.

_[No we’re going to abandon him by getting fucking lost instead]_

**{I think it was more our fitness level let us down}**

_[True we have let ourselves go lately, when the last time we did anything that even remotely looked like exercise?]_

“Fuck you, I’m a single dad, I’m allowed to get tubby.” Wade yelled in protest to White.

Well great, now he was yelling at himself on a random rooftop. That was great and in no way suggested Wade might be losing it.

**{Already lost it a long time ago}**

Ignoring Yellow he scanned the rooftops around him, not even a whisper of spandex.

“Fuck!” Wade yelled in frustration. This was it, Peter was on his own now there was nothing Wade could do, he had let him down.

_[Did you really expect anything else?]_

“Getting a little discouraged, are we?” Wade turned around to see Bullseye’s fucking insufferable grin at him.

“Shouldn’t you be, oh I don’t know, maybe killing your mark?” Wade snapped at Bullseye. He was at the end of his tether with this man.

“I can if you want, although I hear you have a vested interest in me not doing that.” Bullseye continued, his cockiness unwavering.

“Of all the people Kingpin could have sent, he sent me the most irritating.” Wade muttered to himself, Bullseye looked confused for a moment.

“You think Kingpin sent me?” Bullseye asked incredulously before bursting out laughing. “Oh Wilson, you have much to learn. Kingpin is too much of a coward to go anywhere near Spiderman these days. You know what happened last time, besides he’s currently too busy with his current blind play toy to bother hunting down another. No, I’m here for me.”

“For you? What, are you taking revenge for your long and checkered past that doesn’t exist?” Wade scoffed.

“The jobs I’ve been getting lately have been… unsatisfying. I can be so much better than the guy who kills businessmen with no survival instincts. I need a challenge.” Bullseye explained as though as he was talking about something much more dignified than a shitty midlife crisis.

“Why can’t you take up sky diving or marry someone half your age like a normal person?” Wade rubbed his temples, he can’t believe he was defending the guy he was a little in love with from Lester Burnham. If he sees a fucking plastic bag fly past him at any point he swears to god.

“Tried that, sky diving doesn’t have much effort when you don’t care if you die.” Bullseye said casually.

“So why are you talking to me then? Go and get your thrills.” Wade asked.

“I have the time, right now your precious ‘Spidey’ is making his way back to his apartment. I seized the opportunity while he was at your little love nest, his apartment is lined with explosives, he takes one step inside he won’t be taking another.” Bullseye explained his plan. Fuck, fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

“Right, well, if you excuse me.” Wade said calmly before sprinting away from Bullseye.

“410 Chelsea Street, I doubt you’ll make it.” Bullseye said almost helpfully. Almost.

Fuck fuck fuck. This day had not gone according to plan.

* * *

One ride on the subway and a lot of sprinting later Wade had made it to Peter’s apartment, well what Bullseye said was Peter’s apartment. Wade had a hard time believing Dr Peter Parker lived in such a rundown apartment building. Wade would say it’s even more rundown than his own. At least Wade’s had people in it, this one looked like no one lived there in years. Wade opened the unlocked front door, the inside looked worse than the outside, this was prime property in the Manhattan area how the fuck did it get like this. He cautiously walked up the stairs, not entirely sure they would withstand his weight. He reached the first floor and saw an opened door, this was even more horrifying than his own apartment, which was saying something considering he had never gone past his own apartment door on his floor out of fear. He walked inside, he didn’t blow up, this was a good sign, however no Peter. He quickly scanned the apartment, completely empty with filthy black and white tile flooring. He walked out onto the fire escape and climbed to the rooftop, he should have known Bullseye was sending him on a wild goose chase. It was Bullseye, when was the last time Wade was ever able to trust him?

Wade sighed as he sat down on the edge of the building, Peter was god knows where, probably dead. Bullseye would give him yet another one of his award winning godawful rants, god, Wade can’t be held accountable for his actions if he has to sit through one of those-

“Wade?” Peter interrupted his train of thought, Wade turned to face him so fast he felt his neck crack in three different places. “Oh thank god, you’re ok! Bullseye said he captured you while I was running away and that you were tied up at my old apartment and I swear I ran here as fast as I could, but you’re not captured and there’s no explosives. And you’re ok and fuck me, I was so worried and this has all been awful I’m still really hungover this headache is fucking murder-“ Peter babbled while he tried to catch his breath, while he was doing this Wade threw off his mask and rolled up Peter’s, really being a superhero sucks the spontaneity out of a moment. He then interrupted him by kissing him so forcefully that Peter had to take a moment to steady himself before returning the kiss.

**{How was he still surprised by that after all that mask action?}**

_[What a dork]_

Eventually Peter pulled himself away from Wade, which honestly after all that build up Wade felt he deserved something with more lustre than that.

“As much as I hate to admit it, now probably isn’t the best time for this.” Peter grinned at Wade. Suddenly he stopped grinning, he went very pale before collapsing in Wade’s arms. There was a knife sticking out the back of his chest.

“No, it really wasn’t.” Bullseye replied from the corner of the building he was perched on. He stepped down from the perimeter and onto the rooftop. Wade looked dumbly at Peter still processing what the fuck just happened.  “Come on, kid. Did you really think that I wouldn’t get him? I always get them in the end. I needed you here, his spider sense made him impossible to get otherwise. But look at this barely alive, he’ll be dead before long. Isn’t it beautiful? The final moments of a person, not that you’ll ever know what that’s like.”

 While Bullseye did the trademark monologue that Wade could see coming from a mile away, he gently lowered Peter down the ground and walked purposefully towards Bullseye.

“Do you ever stop talking?” Wade asked and in one smooth motion slide his katanas out and turned Bullseye into a shish kebab. He then pulled his swords out of Bullseye’s chest and stomach and let his body flop to the ground.

_[Fuck will he be pissed when he recovers from this]_

**{May have to send him flowers or a box of chocolates}**

_[He literally just stabbed our boyfriend, do you really think he deserves flowers?]_

**{Fine just the note whatever}**

Wade quickly went back to Peter, he was still breathing but it didn’t look promising. He just had to hope that on the way to the hospital his healing factor kicked in.

_[WARNING: The role of a ~Love Interest~ comes with a significant increase in the probability of dying]_

**{Fuck you}**


End file.
